It's Something Unpredictable... Well Not REALLY.

1.
I'm sitting here listening to the likes of the Goo Goo Dolls and Aerosmith filled with these forces. These things commanding to be satiated. What are they? How do I interpret things I indirectly confront? The various types of energy swirling in SO many different directions, how do I even begin to work them out? Avoid. The more I avoid the more these essences become brilliant in such obtrusive ways they become unavoidable. Sit and embrace. It will be over soon.

2.
Feelings. Emotions. Anger, pain, fear, resentment, love, lust, all of these and more coursing through my veins searching for an answer or at least a temporary resolve. But it seems that these things find no recourse when dealing with MY veins. They are just continuously searching without any solid confirmation of solution. The many compartments, the drawers, folders, cabinets, boxes. They are abounding with unresolved, barely consumed moments. Instances where the feelings were visceral, where the memories are tangible. Times I simply can't seem to face in their intensity. I begin to see a pattern. I must escape.

3.
Discomfort ensnares me in all directions now, no way out. What do I do in this moment of discontent? The track changes to a familiar Yellowcard song, I can disengage. Breathing just like the title of the song. The problem I now face is the fact that once this song is over, the brilliance will return. What to do with these unfinished moments? All I do is place bandaids on the wounds and keep it moving. Let me fix the symptoms, it has worked my entire life thus far. The idea of managing the scars of the past and present is almost impossible to accept.

4.
To go inside my own messed up, bloody, and debilitated mind with a broom and dust pan makes me feel unprepared. I'm ready for light dusting when I arrive to a nightmare realized through the hands of time. Feelings of powerlessness and fear overwhelm and provoke me to place the bandaids on the wounds. "It'll heal. It'll heal," knowing all too well the consequence.

5. 
What is the point of all of this? Is it yet another failed attempt at something real? Finally a tangible way to document these forces that demand attention?
Pain
Sorrow
Longing
Resentment
Disgust
Anger
6.
It's kind of nice, to delve into these caverns inside my mind. These compartments I've not seen in years. Reminds me of all of the moments that didn't mark me. All the instances that could've ruined my life that instead allowed for my growth and development in many different aspects. I also feel safe with my semi-emotionally provoking music on and my laptop at hand. I am not alone.

7. 
So many silences in my heart. So many quiet plees for resignation that were left unrequited. The hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention as I stand in front of one of the most recently acquired compartments. How to open something that is gorged to the point of erupting at the most delicate of touches? No. This wound will not be able to be given a bandaid. I will have to face it directly. Absolutely.

     "My lips trembled. Stiffen even more, sink to the bottom, drown myself in the depths of loneliness         and the night. Or try to catch this outstretched hand." -Simone de Beauvoir

I am drawn to this quote as it relates to my most recent compartment. Sometimes I feel as though Simone was writing to me. I wish I was able to actually know her, though I feel like I do through her writings. What to do when you know you have to make life-altering decisions? I guess I will know what I will have to do when the time comes. I see a bandaid wrapper falling to the ground next to the box. Compulsory behavior kicked in. I am okay with this, for now. I will end with this:

     "[What a] dreadful anomaly... the anger that is born of love and that murders love." -Simone de Beauvoir

Here's Hoping & Thanks for Reading.

At the Risk of Seeming Esoteric... Well You Gotta Start Somewhere.

As I am sitting with a few minutes to share all that is swirling in my mind, I can't help but to share some thoughts and questions I have been and am currently struggling with. I would like to start off with a question about the definition of free. What does it mean to be truly free? Is this an ideal that we grow up assuming we have? Is it given by someone to another person? If it is, how can we ever truly be free? How does one know the opportunities that this 'freedom' allows them if they have been socialized into thinking there really isn't anything they have domain and power over? One of my biggest questions is how does one go about unlearning the things that are as implicit as breathing?

Swirling... swirling in my mind...

I can't help but apply an internal locus to all of my faults and an external locus to all of my success. I can't be as smart as people tell me. I knew the right people, spent enough time in the right circles. I can't really encompass all these amazing things people claim they know I have. Oh, but I KNOW I am stubborn, I am grouchy in the morning. I know I am volatile during my period. I know that I have commitment and trust issues. That's ALL me. With all of this literature I have been exposed to, I can't help but see the connection to this socially constructed norm and tendency. Is it a gender thing? A race thing? A class thing? I am led to believe it's ALL of that in a heaped together intermeshed sort of way. A passion in my life is to show others how this is happening ALL the time. This indoctrination to social norms, a tacit submission to the system we have all helped establish and to flourish.

Behaviors, Thoughts, & Deed...

This system, OUR system. I can no longer disassociate myself from a system that I perpetuate and tacitly, and consciously support.

Pain
Power
Vengeance
Energy
Triumph
Assimilation
Freedom

All these things raw, uncut, words on a page. What does this all mean? Where do we go from here? What can I do? This. I will think critically. I will write. I will engage. I will be involved.

We only live once (contrary to popular belief) and I want and will try to do WHATEVER I can logically, morally, passionately, energetically to make myself heard, read, understood. I want to help people see what I see, and learn from others to see the things I have yet to really understand. I have already begun this exploration, this peregrination of sorts.

I will end with a quote from bell hooks:

"If I do not speak in a language that can be understood there is little chance for a dialogue."

-Desi

So Let's Talk about the State of OUR Nation First

In the past few months, I have been crudely exposed to the harsh realities of this nation I call my home. Looking at the systems in our society, and the monies being allocated to them shows a REAL polarity that benefits those who have the most wealth and power, to the extent that new proposed allocation of federal funds are threatening to solidify these murky 'lines in the sand' as it were. So what about talks of fully privatizing college education? I mean, this is a tangible example of an effort to keep the power where it is. I mean, what about equality? What about the people who don't have rich relatives, and are struggling to make ends meet? The people who rely upon government systems put in place to give a little bit of solace to the disenfranchised? I mean, it's already hard to reach these people and tell them about the non-profit educational programs that are out there, and the certain need for education to get them the potential to get out of the hole that they are in.This isn't even brushing the surface of the disdain and hatred that I have for the 'for-profit' schooling. I think these types of schooling are directly aimed at these truly 'bottom of the barrel' older aged people who think that is all they can do for themselves. Okay, I think it's one thing to go to a 'for-profit' for a technical skill, or something like business/marketing because it is empirically shown that the people who get these technical degrees from these schools, do get into the workforce (at least a little under half of the people who get a 'for-profit' school degree, get into the work force). But for these FP institutions to add truly academic/scholarly fields of study? I mean it's like providing false hope to the people that need it most. I have asked various college professors in my fields of study how a 'for-profit' degree in my field would look in comparison to one from a 'traditional NP University'. It was a hands down unanimous, that doesn't account for much of anything. Especially in the social sciences as it relates to the online type of schooling. I mean, can you really sit there and say, yeah, I had the adequate exposure to people that I needed to get a degree in psychology. NO. Someone who does magically get into a graduate program at a traditional NP school would certainly not be ready for the work load that is entailed in those programs. So, okay say you stay in FP until you get your Ph.D. That REALLY won't account for much if say you want to be a counselor. It is going to take some REAL networking prowess to get your foot in ANY door for internship and residency. And let's not even get into how these worst off people are going to pay their loans back to these FP's. Some of these FP's have agreements with banks, and suggest their students take out private loans (at extreme interest rates) to pay for their schooling. Also the sheer PRICE of FP schools should turn the avg person away from it, but these disenfranchised people aren't going to access the appropriate avenues to 'compare prices' most don't even know the difference. I mean look at some of these FP commercials and compare them to NP commercials. I mean who are we kidding? "I'm not sayin', but I'M SAYIN'":

 Itt-tech:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OguMsugH12s&feature=related

Devry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C28xiNoksqU

Everest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12YQy0suTP4&feature=related

University of Phoenix
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTrAZSg6hAo

Compared to NP:

UNC
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZXYY34Jp3A

University of Michigan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNie76fsmNM

UC Berkeley:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anelaFYOpy0

FSU:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8M00staUnE

One can see the obvious difference between the 'type' of audience these schools advertise to. WHY do we as a people let this happen? WHY?? There are SO many more issues with the FP schooling that I am impassioned to get out there, but instead of reading my rant; watch this:

A little less Rant, a little more fact:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/collegeinc/

We are also hit with the big question of how to do ANYTHING about it, well, I will digress, and let you figure it out from here. Take it away.

On the Brink of the Final Semester of my Life as an Undergraduate...

And I am quite underwhelmed. Not because of the course load, or because of all the 'extra' time that will be spent on academic extracurricular activities and wedding planning, but because I thought this was supposed to feel different, you know? I thought that embarking on your final semester as an undergraduate was supposed to feel exciting, nerve racking, and rewarding. I feel none of these things about the impending semester. I feel like it will go so quickly that I will not even get the chance to look up until I am walking across the stage in December. With 6 courses (which translates to 18 credit hours), both an ethics debate team and an honors thesis outside of the 6 classes, wedding planning, oh and lets not forget the application process for graduate school, I am bound to feel like I am continuously running out of time. With all of that said, I am ready to be done with this part of my life, and eagerly anticipating the next leg of this journey.
I am anticipating next week though! I get to go to Raleigh and catch up with one of my closest friends that I haven't seen in a year, and haven't had any one-on-one time since I can't even remember!!! That will be nice, because I have missed her tons. Also, she exclusively knows exactly what I want my hair to look like, and makes a masterpiece outta the mess she is given! I can't wait to feel pretty :)
In other news, I have basically accomplished the goals that I set for myself this summer. I have gotten a TON of rest and relaxation, I have worked on both theses, gotten ahead with the wedding planning, and even got another kitten (by happenstance, but still amazing), so I am ready for the beginning of this semester. ANNOYING: I am still waiting for a response with my first thesis so we can set up a meeting where we can construct the plan for the data collection once the semester begins. This could mean that my draft was so bad, she is trying to figure out how to guide me, or it could mean she is trying to soak up the last little bit of summer that she can. We will see I presume, blah.

Hey before I end this short but sweet update, I would like to shamelessly plug Ritchie & I's wedding site... CHECK IT OUT! Gives you a ton of info about us and what we refer to 'The Big W'. I would like to especially point out the gift information tab! LOL okay, here's the link:

http://radtiestheknot.weebly.com/index.html

Okay, without further ado.... LYRICS!


Robert's got a quick hand
He'll look around the room
He won't tell you his plan
He's got a rolled cigarette hanging out of his mouth
He's a cowboy kid
He found a six-shooter gun
In his dad's closet hidden in a box of fun things, I don't know what
But he's coming for you, yeah he's coming for you

"All the other kids with your pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet
All the other kids with the yoour pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet"

Daddy works a long day
He'll be coming home late, Yeah he's coming home late
And he's bringing me a surprise,
Cause dinner's in the kitchen and it's packed in ice
I've waited for a long time
Yeah the slight of my hand is now the pull of a trigger
I reason with my cigarette
And say your hair's on fire, you must of lost your wit, yeah

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks,
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with your pumped up kicks,
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet."
-Pumped up Kicks by Foster the People 

I know, it's a lil' dark, but as I realized, there are various ways to interpret these lyrics. I am feeling it right now... can't get the dang song out of my head. Think about the underdog sometimes people.

Until Next Time,
-Desi

Do you REALLY want to know me? Here.

This Blog get's real from the start:

During this last month and a half, I've been facing my longstanding 'hurdles' that are hindering my furthered success. By success, I mean emotional transparency, the ability to clearly communicate, and honing the ability to take myself seriously with some sort of consistency. I have realized that a lot of the problem lies in the way that I have been dealing with my self-concept, and handling tough situations growing up. I realized that all of my life (from as far as I can remember) I have always wanted immediate validation. Not just from anyone, I wanted it from people that I thought I would never get it from. So I pushed myself above and beyond just to get that extra validation I needed. However, once I got the validation that I needed from the person/people I wanted it from, it didn't mean as much as I thought it would. So then it would be time to put the peddle to the metal once more, with a new target at hand. The cycle continued all through my school years, up until a few years ago. In saying this, I realize that I had never really been living for ME. I had never taken into consideration my whole life whether or not the decisions that I was choosing to make were the ones that I wanted REGARDLESS of the effect that it had on the people around me. Claiming and accepting that as part of my past, I am able to learn from it for my present and future. I am able to really think about what I WANT and what I need to do in order to get to where I want to be before I make the life changing decisions, which is a totally liberating feeling.

I also have a big problem with second guessing myself. It's definitely to a fault. Something that I knew I knew, I would second guess if it came into public discussion. Although, I think that has a lot to do with the validation thing, in that it's almost like I require at least one person to be in agreement with me before I state my educated opinion on something. I don't know why at times I am so confident (when I am alone thinking and writing) and completely opposite in certain public forums, though to me it does make sense in tying to the whole validation thing. This part of me is a little more difficult to delve into, and will take a lot more thought and meditation, I know I will learn from this and grow.

I am just BARELY scraping the surface here with these issues, and am intrigued, nervous, and excited to really get to the bottom of these things. I know this must be entertaining to read at some level, but it is very serious to me and I really am working on these things. An integral part of the process to me is documenting the progress, and that's where this comes in.

On a Lighter Note:

I have had success with my Psychology Honors Thesis (though I have burned so many bridges within that department) and I am very confident that this will go swimmingly. So even though standing up for myself, and taking myself seriously came a little late (okay, a ton late) and it ended up costing me my entire committee, I cannot be more inspired than I am with my new thesis advisor, and know that they really do have my best interest in mind. I can't wait until I am to the point of actually discussing the thesis and get some great feedback (and hopefully grades) for it.
Interestingly, I am a lot more interested in my Philosophy Honors Thesis. That is moving at a steady pace, but the topic is SO interesting to me. It encompasses the general majority of what I find interesting socially and culturally. I can't wait to delve more into that (and am glad that I have been given a structured timeline for the successful completion of it). So, am I going into Philosophy or Psychology for graduate school? WE WILL SEE who wants me. haha, yes my friends, I am leaving it up to the will of the institutions that I apply to.

ANNNND Finally, what you've been waiting for, the lyrics that are blaring loudly in my head (seriously, it was like blaring in my dream, I felt like I was there).



Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove, treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here, you'd think
Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got who's-its and what's-its galore
You want thing-a-mabobs?
I've got twenty
But who cares? No big deal. I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin'
walkin' around on those
Whaddya call 'em? Oh, feet

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down the
What's that word again? Street
Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free, wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day
Warm on the sand?

Betcha on land they understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women, sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire, and why does it
What's the word? Burn

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love?
Love to explore that shore up above
Out of the sea, wish I could be
Part of that world


Part of Your World

-Little Mermaid

I don't know why it was blaring in there, but yes indeed, it was. Hope you take something from this, and hope at the very least you were entertained.


Ciao,
-Desi

I Like My Vegetables the Way I Like My Sex

Wet and Raw. Actually, I like my vegetables in a lot of different ways, a little spicy, or sweet, savory, hot, plain, by itself, or complimentary to a bigger meal. But this blog is not entirely about innuendo. This is about a couple more things. One being about how the more I think about it, the less that I believe I would like to be a therapist. I don't think that anyone should have the authority to 'train' people through whatever prescribed "therapeutic method" to make them a 'normal' member of society. I am not normal, what is normal? I believe that no one ought to be paid to do the things that therapists are to do. While making such grandiose claims, from the years of education that I have received in this major, and the many interactions with therapists (as a student & as a client) I fail to see what really makes therapists more 'fit' to assess the problems that people face and attempt to 'fix' it. Also, it's also not really 'fixing' anything if you really think about it. It is just perpetuating a status quo. I mean, you really can't quantify normal (outside of physical health measurements) and basing normal by what our society perpetuates is not right. With all of this said, I will not be a therapist. If I do go into Psychology, it will be only through research and more to do with public health and human sexuality. I don't know, but hey, at least I am still thinking about it.

The other thing that I wanted to touch on in this blog is how I need to find more things to do now in this last couple of months before my last semester of undergraduate studies! I've finally quit that horrible corporate cesspool of a tea job, and the summer school session I am taking is almost over. I have been marking my time by setting small goals to accomplish each day, but this is definitely getting old! Ritchie and I are going to start taking some dance classes together every now and again, and we are even discussing potentially having people over sometime. I am excited to have this time off and will bask in it because with the wedding coming up after the semester is out, once the fall semester starts, things will be pretty all over the place and I will likely not have anytime to look up, let alone think of things to do to pass the time.

So, there it is. An eye full (back to innuendo, wanted to end the blog the way I started it). Hopefully in the next short while, I will be able to update the blog a ton about my two theses and about wedding stuff (though it will be more of the former, because we want to leave a lot of mystery). I am loving my life, and it feels good to take myself more seriously.


And now for your creative minds, here is the song lyrics that sticks out to me at the moment. This song basically makes me feel like a badass:

It's all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we're wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I'd drive all night just to get back home

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
Wanted dead or alive

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you're alone all you do is think

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back
I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make it back
I been everywhere, and I'm standing tall
I've seen a million faces an I've rocked them all

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side
I'm wanted dead or alive
And I ride, dead or alive
I still drive, dead or alive

Wanted, Dead or Alive

-Bon Jovi

Hope I entertained you for at least 5 minutes. Until next time.

-D

Who Am I: Psychologist or Philosopher?

Right Now,

I am finding myself at a fork in the road about whether I want to go into Philosophy or Psychology. In a perfect world I would like to integrate perspectives from both disciplines and do most of my writings and research on Critical Race Theory, Feminist Theory, and Human Sexuality (in no particular order). I am attempting an undergraduate thesis in Philosophy that will attempt to do this. I will use this experience as a preview to how things may be attempting to merge these two ideas. The real problem is that I do want to go into Counseling, so I have a slight affinity to the discipline of Psychology. With that said, my undergraduate experiences with both of these departments are so opposing, where the Psychology department has been cold and stand off-ish, and the Philosophy department has been nothing but open and supportive of their students. I will have to decide what to do before August, since that is when I will be applying for graduate school. What I may end up doing is applying to both Philosophy AND Psychology programs, and seeing if any actually accept me. haha. TO BE CONTINUED..

The song I chose may not be as coordinated with this topic as it is inspiring to me:

Living on a Prayer

Once upon a time
Not so long ago
Tommy used to work on the docks
Union's been on strike
He's down on his luck...it's tough, so tough

Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love - for love

She says: We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot

We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer

Tommy got his six string in hock
Now he's holding in what he used
To make it talk - so tough, it's tough

Gina dreams of running away
When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers: Baby it's okay, someday
We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot

We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got
We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
 

-Bon Jovi & Writers

Maybe I will figure this out. 

One Day.

~Ciao Ragazzi