Beginning at the End.

Let's Start at the End:

I am so glad I found time to blog, as I haven't in a little while. I think I have found a solution with my studies after this long and trying semester. What I have decided to do is to stay in the thesis track, with a Theory concentration, and to obtain graduate certificates in both Conflict & Peace Studies and African American Studies along the way. This will take A TON of work and time, both of which I have. So I climb. This is the theme of my blog today. I need to reify my perseverance and determination in order to put my ducks in a row so-to-speak. I have only signed up for 2 courses next semester and I need at LEAST 2 more in order not to make this 2 year program into a career. I will do this, I can see it happening.

About These Things Called Emotions:

As far as the rest of things, I'm trying to give myself space and time to think, and my thoughts have begun to manifest in poetic form. These poems are intense and is definitely a reflection of what emotions are going on in my heart and the thoughts trying to control these emotions. I often find myself feeling stuck in this rut of thought. No clear destination, but a series of thought journeys leading to a void. What's my next step? Where do I go from here? Hmm, good question. Let me think... In all seriousness though, I have learned through all of this emotive-therapeutic ruts of thought, that emotions are POWERFUL things. I know, it sounds banal but if you allow yourself the freedom to feel, sometimes you become afraid of the emotions that appear.

And NOW, for my favorite part of this blog. This song keeps me going:

Step by step 
I've come closer to reaching the top
Every step must be placed so that I don't fall off 
Looking down to see about how much higher I am 
Another cool wind comes through and brushes my skin 
The harder I push the tension does grow 
I gather my thoughts the further and further I go 
With some luck I just might keep on climbing 
So better to climb than to face a fall 
So high the climb 
Can't turn back now
Must keep on climbing up to the clouds 
So high the climb Can't turn back now 
Must keep on climbing up to the clouds 

Pulling myself up by a rope
I better my view 
The only thing in sight is what I must do 
As I turned I could see myself falling 
Which in return save me strength for the climb

So high the climb 
Can't turn back now 
Must keep on climbing up to the clouds
So high the climb 
Can't turn back now 
Must keep on climbing up to the clouds

Although many failed I must now prevail with no question 
Have no time to stop 
Onward to the top of the mountain 
And I can't turn back now 
Its so very high but I can't turn back now 
If I keep it up, I'm gonna make it

I'm so very close can't you see 
So high the climb 
Can't turn back now 
Must keep on climbing up to the clouds 
So high the climb 
Can't turn back now
Must keep on climbing up to the clouds 
I'm getting closer

"The Climb" -No Doubt

I know I won't turn back now.

Ciao Bella,

-D

I woke up from an array of vivid and emotionally striking dreams with the need to write. I have been writing all over the place since I woke up about 2 hours ago. Have you ever had the feeling that you just need to write until you get it all out? Well, that's where I am right about now. My life has been all but boring this semester. There have been major life transitions, loss, success, sadness, and happiness. I have been disappointed in the fact that I have no papers written for conferences or journals. I am happy that I have hit my stride as far as my Graduate Assistant position is concerned. Grad school is very different than I expected in the sense that it is JUST like undergrad currently. I think that comes from my end a little, and the fact that I only took two courses, and am working part time currently, but the coursework for one of my classes is just not cutting it as far as difficulty level, and anytime I try to engage the professor, it is always met with negativity. This too shall pass. 
In other news, I started another blog. My new blog is going to be more about social, cultural, and sometimes political issues that spark my attention. It is there for me to exercise my writing skills and hopefully develop them over time. I only have one post and it was there basically to introduce myself to the blogoshpere. I am glad that I am able to still have these times where I am just driven to write. I was definitely in a fit of depressive thoughts, and to be on this writing role is very refreshing. 
As far as domestics are concerned, seasons change, mad things rearrange. That is the short and fat of it. What I can say about it online and for anyone to see, is that this is a real learning journey, and I am discovering things about myself that I had no idea were actually there. So, there are really hard times, really rough things were said and done, but at the end of the day, I will rest assured that I will always have me.

Song lyric selections come from the group Dead Poetic. Enjoy:

Feeling cold, feeling empty. Set the stage, where you want me.
And this crowd right before me doesn’t care that I’m dying.
And the audience stands with their eyes fixed on the preconceived version of me.
I’m so betrayed by your hopes, but I will not hide myself for your peace of mind.

Oh, but Child. I’ve got Vices like any other man.

Raise a boy to a cynic. Take his love, and then let it turn into something passionate.
Something sick, something rabid.
And I vent to keep myself from caving. I don’t hate you, I just hate where I’m heading.
I’m left here asking, when did I trade in my bleeding heart for a selfish win?

Oh, but Mother. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think less of me.

Leave me numb. Leave me jaded. She’s a dream, I just play dead.
I’ve been blessed, I’ve been hated. She’s the constant, and I’m her addict.
She’s the only peace in this world, uneasy.
While I bite my tongue to keep from breaking the heart that I’ve spent my whole life seeking.
The only heart I’ve ever needed.

Oh, but Lover. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think...
Oh, but Lover. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think less of me. Less of me.

Feeling cold, feeling empty. I am low, unworthy.
Bleed the God. Bleed the blessing. Like a vulture feasting.
I’ll exist as if I don’t feel conviction of my ignorance to my perfect prison.
But I feel the stabs on my wrists and ankles every time I try...

To forget you. To forget you.

Oh, but Jesus. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re so used to. Vices that won’t make you think less of me.

-Vices, by Dead Poetic

And then there's:

Paint the lines on perfect eyes that circle the object of
My sincere affection, my undivided attention.

Lie where you won’t see yourself in that way.
And we’ll ride to somewhere.

All we are is paralyzed from the face down.
We’re still alive with our fake smiles.
When the camera’s away.

Don’t remember this. No, don’t remember this.
We are losing it all, but we are gaining the world with our hands tied.
Your arms placed upon mine.
And the sky looks so right, and you’re mine tonight.

Lie where you won’t see yourself in that way.
And we’ll ride...

All we are is paralyzed from the face down.
We’re still alive with our fake smiles.
When the camera’s away.

-Paralytic, by Dead Poetic

These are the songs that have been resonating in my mind and heart since I got out of bed this morning. To try and unpack what these two songs mean to me today in this capacity would be too much, too close, and too soon. What I hope you can take away from these lyrics is that I am dealing with my life, the best way I know how.

Ciao,
-Desi 

It's Something Unpredictable... Well Not REALLY.

1.
I'm sitting here listening to the likes of the Goo Goo Dolls and Aerosmith filled with these forces. These things commanding to be satiated. What are they? How do I interpret things I indirectly confront? The various types of energy swirling in SO many different directions, how do I even begin to work them out? Avoid. The more I avoid the more these essences become brilliant in such obtrusive ways they become unavoidable. Sit and embrace. It will be over soon.

2.
Feelings. Emotions. Anger, pain, fear, resentment, love, lust, all of these and more coursing through my veins searching for an answer or at least a temporary resolve. But it seems that these things find no recourse when dealing with MY veins. They are just continuously searching without any solid confirmation of solution. The many compartments, the drawers, folders, cabinets, boxes. They are abounding with unresolved, barely consumed moments. Instances where the feelings were visceral, where the memories are tangible. Times I simply can't seem to face in their intensity. I begin to see a pattern. I must escape.

3.
Discomfort ensnares me in all directions now, no way out. What do I do in this moment of discontent? The track changes to a familiar Yellowcard song, I can disengage. Breathing just like the title of the song. The problem I now face is the fact that once this song is over, the brilliance will return. What to do with these unfinished moments? All I do is place bandaids on the wounds and keep it moving. Let me fix the symptoms, it has worked my entire life thus far. The idea of managing the scars of the past and present is almost impossible to accept.

4.
To go inside my own messed up, bloody, and debilitated mind with a broom and dust pan makes me feel unprepared. I'm ready for light dusting when I arrive to a nightmare realized through the hands of time. Feelings of powerlessness and fear overwhelm and provoke me to place the bandaids on the wounds. "It'll heal. It'll heal," knowing all too well the consequence.

5. 
What is the point of all of this? Is it yet another failed attempt at something real? Finally a tangible way to document these forces that demand attention?
Pain
Sorrow
Longing
Resentment
Disgust
Anger
6.
It's kind of nice, to delve into these caverns inside my mind. These compartments I've not seen in years. Reminds me of all of the moments that didn't mark me. All the instances that could've ruined my life that instead allowed for my growth and development in many different aspects. I also feel safe with my semi-emotionally provoking music on and my laptop at hand. I am not alone.

7. 
So many silences in my heart. So many quiet plees for resignation that were left unrequited. The hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention as I stand in front of one of the most recently acquired compartments. How to open something that is gorged to the point of erupting at the most delicate of touches? No. This wound will not be able to be given a bandaid. I will have to face it directly. Absolutely.

     "My lips trembled. Stiffen even more, sink to the bottom, drown myself in the depths of loneliness         and the night. Or try to catch this outstretched hand." -Simone de Beauvoir

I am drawn to this quote as it relates to my most recent compartment. Sometimes I feel as though Simone was writing to me. I wish I was able to actually know her, though I feel like I do through her writings. What to do when you know you have to make life-altering decisions? I guess I will know what I will have to do when the time comes. I see a bandaid wrapper falling to the ground next to the box. Compulsory behavior kicked in. I am okay with this, for now. I will end with this:

     "[What a] dreadful anomaly... the anger that is born of love and that murders love." -Simone de Beauvoir

Here's Hoping & Thanks for Reading.

At the Risk of Seeming Esoteric... Well You Gotta Start Somewhere.

As I am sitting with a few minutes to share all that is swirling in my mind, I can't help but to share some thoughts and questions I have been and am currently struggling with. I would like to start off with a question about the definition of free. What does it mean to be truly free? Is this an ideal that we grow up assuming we have? Is it given by someone to another person? If it is, how can we ever truly be free? How does one know the opportunities that this 'freedom' allows them if they have been socialized into thinking there really isn't anything they have domain and power over? One of my biggest questions is how does one go about unlearning the things that are as implicit as breathing?

Swirling... swirling in my mind...

I can't help but apply an internal locus to all of my faults and an external locus to all of my success. I can't be as smart as people tell me. I knew the right people, spent enough time in the right circles. I can't really encompass all these amazing things people claim they know I have. Oh, but I KNOW I am stubborn, I am grouchy in the morning. I know I am volatile during my period. I know that I have commitment and trust issues. That's ALL me. With all of this literature I have been exposed to, I can't help but see the connection to this socially constructed norm and tendency. Is it a gender thing? A race thing? A class thing? I am led to believe it's ALL of that in a heaped together intermeshed sort of way. A passion in my life is to show others how this is happening ALL the time. This indoctrination to social norms, a tacit submission to the system we have all helped establish and to flourish.

Behaviors, Thoughts, & Deed...

This system, OUR system. I can no longer disassociate myself from a system that I perpetuate and tacitly, and consciously support.

Pain
Power
Vengeance
Energy
Triumph
Assimilation
Freedom

All these things raw, uncut, words on a page. What does this all mean? Where do we go from here? What can I do? This. I will think critically. I will write. I will engage. I will be involved.

We only live once (contrary to popular belief) and I want and will try to do WHATEVER I can logically, morally, passionately, energetically to make myself heard, read, understood. I want to help people see what I see, and learn from others to see the things I have yet to really understand. I have already begun this exploration, this peregrination of sorts.

I will end with a quote from bell hooks:

"If I do not speak in a language that can be understood there is little chance for a dialogue."

-Desi

So Let's Talk about the State of OUR Nation First

In the past few months, I have been crudely exposed to the harsh realities of this nation I call my home. Looking at the systems in our society, and the monies being allocated to them shows a REAL polarity that benefits those who have the most wealth and power, to the extent that new proposed allocation of federal funds are threatening to solidify these murky 'lines in the sand' as it were. So what about talks of fully privatizing college education? I mean, this is a tangible example of an effort to keep the power where it is. I mean, what about equality? What about the people who don't have rich relatives, and are struggling to make ends meet? The people who rely upon government systems put in place to give a little bit of solace to the disenfranchised? I mean, it's already hard to reach these people and tell them about the non-profit educational programs that are out there, and the certain need for education to get them the potential to get out of the hole that they are in.This isn't even brushing the surface of the disdain and hatred that I have for the 'for-profit' schooling. I think these types of schooling are directly aimed at these truly 'bottom of the barrel' older aged people who think that is all they can do for themselves. Okay, I think it's one thing to go to a 'for-profit' for a technical skill, or something like business/marketing because it is empirically shown that the people who get these technical degrees from these schools, do get into the workforce (at least a little under half of the people who get a 'for-profit' school degree, get into the work force). But for these FP institutions to add truly academic/scholarly fields of study? I mean it's like providing false hope to the people that need it most. I have asked various college professors in my fields of study how a 'for-profit' degree in my field would look in comparison to one from a 'traditional NP University'. It was a hands down unanimous, that doesn't account for much of anything. Especially in the social sciences as it relates to the online type of schooling. I mean, can you really sit there and say, yeah, I had the adequate exposure to people that I needed to get a degree in psychology. NO. Someone who does magically get into a graduate program at a traditional NP school would certainly not be ready for the work load that is entailed in those programs. So, okay say you stay in FP until you get your Ph.D. That REALLY won't account for much if say you want to be a counselor. It is going to take some REAL networking prowess to get your foot in ANY door for internship and residency. And let's not even get into how these worst off people are going to pay their loans back to these FP's. Some of these FP's have agreements with banks, and suggest their students take out private loans (at extreme interest rates) to pay for their schooling. Also the sheer PRICE of FP schools should turn the avg person away from it, but these disenfranchised people aren't going to access the appropriate avenues to 'compare prices' most don't even know the difference. I mean look at some of these FP commercials and compare them to NP commercials. I mean who are we kidding? "I'm not sayin', but I'M SAYIN'":

 Itt-tech:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OguMsugH12s&feature=related

Devry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C28xiNoksqU

Everest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12YQy0suTP4&feature=related

University of Phoenix
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTrAZSg6hAo

Compared to NP:

UNC
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZXYY34Jp3A

University of Michigan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNie76fsmNM

UC Berkeley:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anelaFYOpy0

FSU:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8M00staUnE

One can see the obvious difference between the 'type' of audience these schools advertise to. WHY do we as a people let this happen? WHY?? There are SO many more issues with the FP schooling that I am impassioned to get out there, but instead of reading my rant; watch this:

A little less Rant, a little more fact:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/collegeinc/

We are also hit with the big question of how to do ANYTHING about it, well, I will digress, and let you figure it out from here. Take it away.

On the Brink of the Final Semester of my Life as an Undergraduate...

And I am quite underwhelmed. Not because of the course load, or because of all the 'extra' time that will be spent on academic extracurricular activities and wedding planning, but because I thought this was supposed to feel different, you know? I thought that embarking on your final semester as an undergraduate was supposed to feel exciting, nerve racking, and rewarding. I feel none of these things about the impending semester. I feel like it will go so quickly that I will not even get the chance to look up until I am walking across the stage in December. With 6 courses (which translates to 18 credit hours), both an ethics debate team and an honors thesis outside of the 6 classes, wedding planning, oh and lets not forget the application process for graduate school, I am bound to feel like I am continuously running out of time. With all of that said, I am ready to be done with this part of my life, and eagerly anticipating the next leg of this journey.
I am anticipating next week though! I get to go to Raleigh and catch up with one of my closest friends that I haven't seen in a year, and haven't had any one-on-one time since I can't even remember!!! That will be nice, because I have missed her tons. Also, she exclusively knows exactly what I want my hair to look like, and makes a masterpiece outta the mess she is given! I can't wait to feel pretty :)
In other news, I have basically accomplished the goals that I set for myself this summer. I have gotten a TON of rest and relaxation, I have worked on both theses, gotten ahead with the wedding planning, and even got another kitten (by happenstance, but still amazing), so I am ready for the beginning of this semester. ANNOYING: I am still waiting for a response with my first thesis so we can set up a meeting where we can construct the plan for the data collection once the semester begins. This could mean that my draft was so bad, she is trying to figure out how to guide me, or it could mean she is trying to soak up the last little bit of summer that she can. We will see I presume, blah.

Hey before I end this short but sweet update, I would like to shamelessly plug Ritchie & I's wedding site... CHECK IT OUT! Gives you a ton of info about us and what we refer to 'The Big W'. I would like to especially point out the gift information tab! LOL okay, here's the link:

http://radtiestheknot.weebly.com/index.html

Okay, without further ado.... LYRICS!


Robert's got a quick hand
He'll look around the room
He won't tell you his plan
He's got a rolled cigarette hanging out of his mouth
He's a cowboy kid
He found a six-shooter gun
In his dad's closet hidden in a box of fun things, I don't know what
But he's coming for you, yeah he's coming for you

"All the other kids with your pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet
All the other kids with the yoour pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet"

Daddy works a long day
He'll be coming home late, Yeah he's coming home late
And he's bringing me a surprise,
Cause dinner's in the kitchen and it's packed in ice
I've waited for a long time
Yeah the slight of my hand is now the pull of a trigger
I reason with my cigarette
And say your hair's on fire, you must of lost your wit, yeah

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks,
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with your pumped up kicks,
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet."
-Pumped up Kicks by Foster the People 

I know, it's a lil' dark, but as I realized, there are various ways to interpret these lyrics. I am feeling it right now... can't get the dang song out of my head. Think about the underdog sometimes people.

Until Next Time,
-Desi

Do you REALLY want to know me? Here.

This Blog get's real from the start:

During this last month and a half, I've been facing my longstanding 'hurdles' that are hindering my furthered success. By success, I mean emotional transparency, the ability to clearly communicate, and honing the ability to take myself seriously with some sort of consistency. I have realized that a lot of the problem lies in the way that I have been dealing with my self-concept, and handling tough situations growing up. I realized that all of my life (from as far as I can remember) I have always wanted immediate validation. Not just from anyone, I wanted it from people that I thought I would never get it from. So I pushed myself above and beyond just to get that extra validation I needed. However, once I got the validation that I needed from the person/people I wanted it from, it didn't mean as much as I thought it would. So then it would be time to put the peddle to the metal once more, with a new target at hand. The cycle continued all through my school years, up until a few years ago. In saying this, I realize that I had never really been living for ME. I had never taken into consideration my whole life whether or not the decisions that I was choosing to make were the ones that I wanted REGARDLESS of the effect that it had on the people around me. Claiming and accepting that as part of my past, I am able to learn from it for my present and future. I am able to really think about what I WANT and what I need to do in order to get to where I want to be before I make the life changing decisions, which is a totally liberating feeling.

I also have a big problem with second guessing myself. It's definitely to a fault. Something that I knew I knew, I would second guess if it came into public discussion. Although, I think that has a lot to do with the validation thing, in that it's almost like I require at least one person to be in agreement with me before I state my educated opinion on something. I don't know why at times I am so confident (when I am alone thinking and writing) and completely opposite in certain public forums, though to me it does make sense in tying to the whole validation thing. This part of me is a little more difficult to delve into, and will take a lot more thought and meditation, I know I will learn from this and grow.

I am just BARELY scraping the surface here with these issues, and am intrigued, nervous, and excited to really get to the bottom of these things. I know this must be entertaining to read at some level, but it is very serious to me and I really am working on these things. An integral part of the process to me is documenting the progress, and that's where this comes in.

On a Lighter Note:

I have had success with my Psychology Honors Thesis (though I have burned so many bridges within that department) and I am very confident that this will go swimmingly. So even though standing up for myself, and taking myself seriously came a little late (okay, a ton late) and it ended up costing me my entire committee, I cannot be more inspired than I am with my new thesis advisor, and know that they really do have my best interest in mind. I can't wait until I am to the point of actually discussing the thesis and get some great feedback (and hopefully grades) for it.
Interestingly, I am a lot more interested in my Philosophy Honors Thesis. That is moving at a steady pace, but the topic is SO interesting to me. It encompasses the general majority of what I find interesting socially and culturally. I can't wait to delve more into that (and am glad that I have been given a structured timeline for the successful completion of it). So, am I going into Philosophy or Psychology for graduate school? WE WILL SEE who wants me. haha, yes my friends, I am leaving it up to the will of the institutions that I apply to.

ANNNND Finally, what you've been waiting for, the lyrics that are blaring loudly in my head (seriously, it was like blaring in my dream, I felt like I was there).



Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove, treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here, you'd think
Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got who's-its and what's-its galore
You want thing-a-mabobs?
I've got twenty
But who cares? No big deal. I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin'
walkin' around on those
Whaddya call 'em? Oh, feet

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down the
What's that word again? Street
Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free, wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day
Warm on the sand?

Betcha on land they understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women, sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire, and why does it
What's the word? Burn

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love?
Love to explore that shore up above
Out of the sea, wish I could be
Part of that world


Part of Your World

-Little Mermaid

I don't know why it was blaring in there, but yes indeed, it was. Hope you take something from this, and hope at the very least you were entertained.


Ciao,
-Desi