Do you REALLY want to know me? Here.

This Blog get's real from the start:

During this last month and a half, I've been facing my longstanding 'hurdles' that are hindering my furthered success. By success, I mean emotional transparency, the ability to clearly communicate, and honing the ability to take myself seriously with some sort of consistency. I have realized that a lot of the problem lies in the way that I have been dealing with my self-concept, and handling tough situations growing up. I realized that all of my life (from as far as I can remember) I have always wanted immediate validation. Not just from anyone, I wanted it from people that I thought I would never get it from. So I pushed myself above and beyond just to get that extra validation I needed. However, once I got the validation that I needed from the person/people I wanted it from, it didn't mean as much as I thought it would. So then it would be time to put the peddle to the metal once more, with a new target at hand. The cycle continued all through my school years, up until a few years ago. In saying this, I realize that I had never really been living for ME. I had never taken into consideration my whole life whether or not the decisions that I was choosing to make were the ones that I wanted REGARDLESS of the effect that it had on the people around me. Claiming and accepting that as part of my past, I am able to learn from it for my present and future. I am able to really think about what I WANT and what I need to do in order to get to where I want to be before I make the life changing decisions, which is a totally liberating feeling.

I also have a big problem with second guessing myself. It's definitely to a fault. Something that I knew I knew, I would second guess if it came into public discussion. Although, I think that has a lot to do with the validation thing, in that it's almost like I require at least one person to be in agreement with me before I state my educated opinion on something. I don't know why at times I am so confident (when I am alone thinking and writing) and completely opposite in certain public forums, though to me it does make sense in tying to the whole validation thing. This part of me is a little more difficult to delve into, and will take a lot more thought and meditation, I know I will learn from this and grow.

I am just BARELY scraping the surface here with these issues, and am intrigued, nervous, and excited to really get to the bottom of these things. I know this must be entertaining to read at some level, but it is very serious to me and I really am working on these things. An integral part of the process to me is documenting the progress, and that's where this comes in.

On a Lighter Note:

I have had success with my Psychology Honors Thesis (though I have burned so many bridges within that department) and I am very confident that this will go swimmingly. So even though standing up for myself, and taking myself seriously came a little late (okay, a ton late) and it ended up costing me my entire committee, I cannot be more inspired than I am with my new thesis advisor, and know that they really do have my best interest in mind. I can't wait until I am to the point of actually discussing the thesis and get some great feedback (and hopefully grades) for it.
Interestingly, I am a lot more interested in my Philosophy Honors Thesis. That is moving at a steady pace, but the topic is SO interesting to me. It encompasses the general majority of what I find interesting socially and culturally. I can't wait to delve more into that (and am glad that I have been given a structured timeline for the successful completion of it). So, am I going into Philosophy or Psychology for graduate school? WE WILL SEE who wants me. haha, yes my friends, I am leaving it up to the will of the institutions that I apply to.

ANNNND Finally, what you've been waiting for, the lyrics that are blaring loudly in my head (seriously, it was like blaring in my dream, I felt like I was there).



Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove, treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here, you'd think
Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got who's-its and what's-its galore
You want thing-a-mabobs?
I've got twenty
But who cares? No big deal. I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin'
walkin' around on those
Whaddya call 'em? Oh, feet

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down the
What's that word again? Street
Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free, wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day
Warm on the sand?

Betcha on land they understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women, sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire, and why does it
What's the word? Burn

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love?
Love to explore that shore up above
Out of the sea, wish I could be
Part of that world


Part of Your World

-Little Mermaid

I don't know why it was blaring in there, but yes indeed, it was. Hope you take something from this, and hope at the very least you were entertained.


Ciao,
-Desi

I Like My Vegetables the Way I Like My Sex

Wet and Raw. Actually, I like my vegetables in a lot of different ways, a little spicy, or sweet, savory, hot, plain, by itself, or complimentary to a bigger meal. But this blog is not entirely about innuendo. This is about a couple more things. One being about how the more I think about it, the less that I believe I would like to be a therapist. I don't think that anyone should have the authority to 'train' people through whatever prescribed "therapeutic method" to make them a 'normal' member of society. I am not normal, what is normal? I believe that no one ought to be paid to do the things that therapists are to do. While making such grandiose claims, from the years of education that I have received in this major, and the many interactions with therapists (as a student & as a client) I fail to see what really makes therapists more 'fit' to assess the problems that people face and attempt to 'fix' it. Also, it's also not really 'fixing' anything if you really think about it. It is just perpetuating a status quo. I mean, you really can't quantify normal (outside of physical health measurements) and basing normal by what our society perpetuates is not right. With all of this said, I will not be a therapist. If I do go into Psychology, it will be only through research and more to do with public health and human sexuality. I don't know, but hey, at least I am still thinking about it.

The other thing that I wanted to touch on in this blog is how I need to find more things to do now in this last couple of months before my last semester of undergraduate studies! I've finally quit that horrible corporate cesspool of a tea job, and the summer school session I am taking is almost over. I have been marking my time by setting small goals to accomplish each day, but this is definitely getting old! Ritchie and I are going to start taking some dance classes together every now and again, and we are even discussing potentially having people over sometime. I am excited to have this time off and will bask in it because with the wedding coming up after the semester is out, once the fall semester starts, things will be pretty all over the place and I will likely not have anytime to look up, let alone think of things to do to pass the time.

So, there it is. An eye full (back to innuendo, wanted to end the blog the way I started it). Hopefully in the next short while, I will be able to update the blog a ton about my two theses and about wedding stuff (though it will be more of the former, because we want to leave a lot of mystery). I am loving my life, and it feels good to take myself more seriously.


And now for your creative minds, here is the song lyrics that sticks out to me at the moment. This song basically makes me feel like a badass:

It's all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we're wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I'd drive all night just to get back home

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
Wanted dead or alive

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you're alone all you do is think

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back
I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make it back
I been everywhere, and I'm standing tall
I've seen a million faces an I've rocked them all

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side
I'm wanted dead or alive
And I ride, dead or alive
I still drive, dead or alive

Wanted, Dead or Alive

-Bon Jovi

Hope I entertained you for at least 5 minutes. Until next time.

-D

Who Am I: Psychologist or Philosopher?

Right Now,

I am finding myself at a fork in the road about whether I want to go into Philosophy or Psychology. In a perfect world I would like to integrate perspectives from both disciplines and do most of my writings and research on Critical Race Theory, Feminist Theory, and Human Sexuality (in no particular order). I am attempting an undergraduate thesis in Philosophy that will attempt to do this. I will use this experience as a preview to how things may be attempting to merge these two ideas. The real problem is that I do want to go into Counseling, so I have a slight affinity to the discipline of Psychology. With that said, my undergraduate experiences with both of these departments are so opposing, where the Psychology department has been cold and stand off-ish, and the Philosophy department has been nothing but open and supportive of their students. I will have to decide what to do before August, since that is when I will be applying for graduate school. What I may end up doing is applying to both Philosophy AND Psychology programs, and seeing if any actually accept me. haha. TO BE CONTINUED..

The song I chose may not be as coordinated with this topic as it is inspiring to me:

Living on a Prayer

Once upon a time
Not so long ago
Tommy used to work on the docks
Union's been on strike
He's down on his luck...it's tough, so tough

Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love - for love

She says: We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot

We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer

Tommy got his six string in hock
Now he's holding in what he used
To make it talk - so tough, it's tough

Gina dreams of running away
When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers: Baby it's okay, someday
We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot

We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got
We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
 

-Bon Jovi & Writers

Maybe I will figure this out. 

One Day.

~Ciao Ragazzi

3 MONTH's Ago

Was the last time I wrote in this biotch. I am in the middle of a cluster mess of a semester, so I am going to sit and declare myself too busy for this. BUSY! I need to have more a direction with this thing so that I am tempted to type more often.. what should it be?




Here is a little inspiration I am passing along. Let it move you, it will happen..

Let it Be


When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be


-The Beatles


Any suggestions on things to write about, let me know!


-Desi

I Am.

In this new year I have given myself a little bit of time to think about what I will do with this year, and I have come up with the following:

*Graduate (BS & BA)- FINALLY become a real adult.
*Actually make an effort to save money.
*Read More
*Depend on Television LESS.
*Devote more time to writing.
*Study for the re-GRE.
*Apply for grown-up college (Graduate Programs).
*Consistently take my vitamins.

With all this said, we will see how the story unfolds.

Now onto my favorite part of the entry.. the song that speaks to me:

"So, tell me is it right?
To feel like we're only getting smaller
And if we were to find the feeling
But I'm only treading water
We've made a few mistakes, it's not worth it to say
(we all fall for the sound)

'Cause we are the only ones, we will get up
And we are aware, 'cause we've been through it
And we are the only ones, we will carry each other on our own

Believe the sound when the truth will send you falling
You see the lights but your mind isn't open
Now I hear you calling
We've made a few mistakes, it's not worth it to say
(we all fall for the sound)

'Cause we are the only ones, we will get up
And we are aware, 'cause we've been through it
And we are the only ones, we will carry each other on our own

Open your eyes and let all the light in
Open your eyes up a little more
I'm sure it will soon come out

'Cause we are the only ones, we will get up
And we are aware, 'cause we've been through it
And we are the only ones, we will carry each other on our own

Open your eyes and let all the light in
Open your eyes up a little more
I'm sure it will soon come out."

"Collapse"- Saosin


Bye Bye Ms. American Pie.

Breed it and Bare it.

My spin on words is quite deliberate. I am not really in a great mood at the current time, and this one goes out to the one I love. I am so emotionally out of it right now. I am quite unmotivated and I am very happy that I don't have to work at all tomorrow. I am hoping that tomorrow will allow me the time I need to really delve into what really is driving my actions currently. I need some time to reflect. Unfortunately, that will have to wait until some point next week. For there are events and plans scheduled from now until Monday. No time for little old Desi.

Here we go: This yelled at me today on the way to work:

"You sold your soul for an ounce of attention.
Gaining the world and demanding affection.
Will you ever be pleased with your own skin?
Will you ever refuse what they're asking?

You can't hide your insecurities with a pretty face.

Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
Begging face down on the floor.
Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
You sold your soul, now they want more.

Vanity's gun left you dead in Hollywood.
Empty, addicted, and screaming for comfort
From a world devoid of compassion
Exchanging hopes for rejection.

You can't hide your insecurities with a pretty face.

Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
Begging face down on the floor.
Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
You sold your soul, now they want more."

"Narcotic"-Dead Poetic

Adieu.

So Why Don't You?

I think blogging is helping me get through this end of the semester stress. This blog is super important to me, because it allows me time for therapy in the form of music. I absolutely love this song, because it screams! Here we go:

Wake up! Wake up! My God!
This is not a test!
And it's not too late to come clean
Get it off your chest
So steady your hand before your face and concentrate
There's got to be some stable ground
Left to walk on

So tear another page from the book
Are you asleep or just alone?
Clear this room from your lungs

Pull yourself together
Pull yourself together, man

On your back,
You're sleeping in a bed of shame
Let the light breath some new life into this room
It's what keeps you coming back
Made up of insatiable taste
Bury your head in your hands
And sing into yourself

Oh!

Just what are you so afraid of?
What are you so afraid of?
You're staring truth in the face
So come on down
What are you so afraid of?

You're busy living now, aren't you?
You're busy making vows
You're coming unglued

Time is shorter than you know
I know the light is blinding to the naked eye
So why don't you take steps away from being alone?
I swear, it's not too late for you

It's all worth reaching for
The hand to pull you out

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
And step outside your box

Wake up! 

In Regards to Myself- underOATH

LOVES it. Now go, and reflect.

-Desi