Everyone Grieves Differently.

This blog is a reflection.

Body

"Everyone grieves differently," I read yesterday. I am trying to understand. How do I grieve for myself? For you? For the failure of one of the longest standing relationships in my life? Do I have the right to grieve? I became the bearer of bad news and the arbiter of sorrow in the matter of a moment. I'm stuck in this feeling of sadness and angst. I don't know at this point if I can look at you, talk to you. Every time I see you interacting with friends, I become bitter, annoyed, and wonder if this is how you grieve? I didn't want to sleep, though I was exhausted. I awoke and felt uneasy. I thought of you. I thought of our progression. I wondered what you were doing as I was reflecting on these things. Yeah, I guess you're right in presuming that I would be relieved, but this is not a relieving subject or process at this point. I know this is going to upset a lot of people in my family and will devastate my mother. How she loves you, us. Even when I had heart-to-heart conversations with her about how badly I felt things were going, she never lost faith and was more determined than ever for us to make it work. I am plagued with introspective thoughts like, what does it mean that once we were hitched things went downhill? What does it mean that I didn't have the vigilance to remain steadfast during the most trying times? Yes, there were signs, red flags galore. But there was also love. Deep, passionate, toxic, manic-depressive love. A love that permeated the brain and rendered me incapable of being. I became complacent in my complicity. The patterns of fighting and making up became as normal as breathing. There were these thoughts of doubt leading to the nuptials, but I resisted them and thought it'd work itself out. The outpouring of love and support from people we held so dear really made me feel I made the right decision.
So, we are here now. This is a different place and feeling than yesterday at this time. It hurts to look at pictures of us, it hurts to look at pictures you've taken. Everything around me reminds me of your love. I have to keep explicitly telling myself this is for the best. For both of us. Maybe you are grieving. I have no clue. I am lamenting and mourning the end of en era in my life and sometimes it looks like you are happier now than ever. It just happened. The pain runs deep. I had many cathartic cries in the last 24 hours, my brain attempting to detoxify my heart. I want you to know you helped me make this decision. No, I don't mean that in the emo, bitter way. I mean, you really allowed me the space and time to really think, while being there for me whenever I needed you. I believe your friendship is what makes this dissolution THAT much harder. You are so smart, inquisitive, perceptive, and passionate for life. Your loyalty knows no bounds. These things I fell in love with those years ago, these things that unfortunately couldn't help salvage any romantic love.
There's a long road to mending the heart and mind after such a relationship, and grieving I suppose is a part of it. You changed my life, you challenged me, and for that I will be forever grateful. I hope your grieving period is productive, I'm figuring out how to handle mine. But like you said, everyone grieves differently.

Finale

This song has been in my heart and on my mind recently.

"Words are flowing out like 
Endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me.

Jai Guru Deva. Om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light, which 
Dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe.
Thoughts meander like a 
Restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe.

Jai Guru Deva. Om
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter, shades of life
Are ringing through my opened ears 
Inciting and inviting me.
Limitless undying love, which
Shines around me like a million suns,
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai Guru Deva."

-Across the Universe, The Beatles

-M. Desicus