Breed it and Bare it.

My spin on words is quite deliberate. I am not really in a great mood at the current time, and this one goes out to the one I love. I am so emotionally out of it right now. I am quite unmotivated and I am very happy that I don't have to work at all tomorrow. I am hoping that tomorrow will allow me the time I need to really delve into what really is driving my actions currently. I need some time to reflect. Unfortunately, that will have to wait until some point next week. For there are events and plans scheduled from now until Monday. No time for little old Desi.

Here we go: This yelled at me today on the way to work:

"You sold your soul for an ounce of attention.
Gaining the world and demanding affection.
Will you ever be pleased with your own skin?
Will you ever refuse what they're asking?

You can't hide your insecurities with a pretty face.

Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
Begging face down on the floor.
Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
You sold your soul, now they want more.

Vanity's gun left you dead in Hollywood.
Empty, addicted, and screaming for comfort
From a world devoid of compassion
Exchanging hopes for rejection.

You can't hide your insecurities with a pretty face.

Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
Begging face down on the floor.
Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
You sold your soul, now they want more."

"Narcotic"-Dead Poetic

Adieu.

So Why Don't You?

I think blogging is helping me get through this end of the semester stress. This blog is super important to me, because it allows me time for therapy in the form of music. I absolutely love this song, because it screams! Here we go:

Wake up! Wake up! My God!
This is not a test!
And it's not too late to come clean
Get it off your chest
So steady your hand before your face and concentrate
There's got to be some stable ground
Left to walk on

So tear another page from the book
Are you asleep or just alone?
Clear this room from your lungs

Pull yourself together
Pull yourself together, man

On your back,
You're sleeping in a bed of shame
Let the light breath some new life into this room
It's what keeps you coming back
Made up of insatiable taste
Bury your head in your hands
And sing into yourself

Oh!

Just what are you so afraid of?
What are you so afraid of?
You're staring truth in the face
So come on down
What are you so afraid of?

You're busy living now, aren't you?
You're busy making vows
You're coming unglued

Time is shorter than you know
I know the light is blinding to the naked eye
So why don't you take steps away from being alone?
I swear, it's not too late for you

It's all worth reaching for
The hand to pull you out

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
And step outside your box

Wake up! 

In Regards to Myself- underOATH

LOVES it. Now go, and reflect.

-Desi

So Just a Little End-of-Semester Pick me up.

I have been sitting here sort of neglecting a lot of things recently:

*My Relationship
*My Homework
*My RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis my joints are killing me somedays)
*My General Health (Getting Flabby)

And was called out tonight on it. I was questioned as to why I do the things I do. Why do I choose to ignore the pressing and majorly important things in my life? I realize it is sort of a defense mechanism that I have used all of my life. When things become tense, stressful, and overwhelming I shut down and off. I may be physically there, but hollow behind these eyes. I will work on this because I feel like I need to become better in times of stress, so being called out will be a great life lesson I will take and use. Cheers for telling me I need to work on it, though it definitely will not change over night. One song that has been on and will be on throughout the final leg of this semester, and FINALS is from Tahiti 80. It's very inspiring to me, and brings me hope. Here we go:

"My life is a mess
just like everybody elses
I guess
not enough time
and too much stress
I'm neglecting you

I'm not saying
I don't worry at all
There are times and moments
to cure my soul
sit back and relax
it's gonna be alright

I know we can
sort this out
It's just a matter of time
baby can't you see
the look on my face
won't you give me a try

I know we can
work it out
It's just a matter of time
baby won't you say
you'll stay and
kiss me one more time

Life is a test
it can be tough but
I'm doing my best
it takes some time
and a lot of stress
but I'm finding my way

I'm not saying
you learn all along
There is always someone
to tell you it's wrong
but I'm talking too much
get back to real life

Say the word
and I'll be there
(so don't you worry now)

Just say the word
and I'll be there
(so don't you worry now) 

I'm not saying
I don't worry at all
There are times and moments
to cure my soul
just sit back and relax
it's gonna be alright


Just say the word 
and I'll be there."
-Matter of Time by Tahiti 80

Ciao,
-Desi

A blast. From my Past

I am in the middle of my terrible horrible no good very bad day, and was doing my normal sulking, and vegging in bed, when I got a blast from the past. This song hit home when I heard it seemingly for the first time all over again. You know, that moment that you just feel every lyric of a song? Yea. Hello, my name is Desi.

Without Further Ado:

"Just forget about it, anything I said about it
drive away tonight you think it's fine.
You put it all inside and run, and never look behind
it's all the same besides the fact that it's mine.
Think of me when you dream and you know
I'm wide awake and thinkin' of you.
Cause I swear when you're there alone
know that I'm wide awake tonight

You could hold my heart,
it's all yours if you want.

Just forget about it, set your mark and keep away
the thoughts that are, just the opposite of you.
It happens every time you fall
you write it off as it were all "I'll be fine just let me try too".
And sing to me, when you sink
and you know that I'm wide awake and watching for you.
Cause I swear when you're there alone
know that I'm wide awake tonight.

I'm Letting you know now


Don't wait just tell me all about it."

"Hold my Heart"

Letter Kills 

Right? I know. So far, this semester has been extremely trying for me, and I have realized that I have to postpone my graduation date, so to fill the time, I added a second major. I thought, since I am so fascinated in the world of Philosophy, I may as well get a degree in it while I am at it. Also, it will keep me from feeling like a complete failure. Other than that, life is good.

-Desi

No TIME To Elaborate, So Here is What's on My Mind

"When I Go Down"

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again 

-Relient K

I'll Never...

This week is very frustrating for me. I have been on edge almost everyday, and feel on edge a lot. I have my first exam tomorrow for my dumbass class, and although I did the study guide, it just seems like I didn't do much more than that, so I will be winging it for the most part! HAHA... Anyway, you know the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

Conclusion

Cleaning out my friend closet is going well:

**Erase, Replace, Embrace new face**

I will leave you with this:

Voices
-Saosin

I miss the part, when we were moving forward now

On our way down

But maybe someday, I'll be something more than love

Just know I'll never tell

And when you're on your way down

[Through the clouds]

And you're waiting for your body's re-entry again

We speak in different voices

When fighting with the ones we've loved

We speak in different voices

Why can't we say what we're thinking of

I'm missing parts, now that you've told me everything

On our way down

And I was blessed and I've forgotten how to love

You said you'd never tell

And when you're on your way down

[Through the clouds]

And you're waiting for your body's re-entry again

We speak in different voices

When fighting with the ones we've loved

We speak in different voices

Why can't we say what we're thinking of

Not even I will tell

I Know That I Wonder...

Intro-


I had to take a few days off the old blog there, since I had to do some blogging for one of my summer courses, and with the arthritis, after I am done with one blog, my hand is usually very tired. So Happy Memorial Day!! It rained and poured the whole day, then I decided to clean. I mean I went on a rampage, and enjoyed the reward from it!


Body


So, I hope to be done with the summer courses sooner than later. I am beginning to HATE school. GAH, and when the fuck am I going to study for the GRE? Now. I should start setting at least an hour every other day to studying for it! I am supposed to be taking the GRE in August, so, SCARY. Not to mention I have pretty bad test anxiety. Oh, and I am not that good at math. 


Lately


I've not been getting much regular sleep and am looking forward to the waffles that await me in the morning. Maybe if I don't stay in the effing bed all day everyday, then I wouldn't be up all hours of the night! I will work on that among other things. I am getting excited about travel this summer up the east coast again, I think it will be pretty cool to see those I have not in such an amount of time. Also, my thesis chair STILL has not gotten back to me with his edits for my paper. WTF!! 


I Have Not


Begun to feel inspired to write poetically as of yet, maybe one day, right? 'knock-knock creativity, anyone home?' I don't know when, but when I do get it back, it-will-be-epic. Speaking of which, here is my artistic moment for the day:


Follow and Feel


-Saosin

Don't let them know

you're watching the situation crumble.

These things, they take time...

and they know, yes, they know they should be better now.

She's watching me awkwardly from a distance.

Should I care?

Is there something more I should have known?

I know that I wonder.

They took his crown.

There's nothing more left of him now.

but he will be okay

I appreciate, now that they choose to ignore...

I can't set her free to go without a payment plan.

She's watching me awkwardly from a distance.

Should I care?

Is there something more I should have known?

I know that I wonder

She's watching me awkwardly from a distance.

Should I care?

Is there something more I should have known?

I don't need to wonder.

Conclusion

This is my favorite song from one of my favorite bands. It is my favorite for a variety of reasons. The music, the lyrics, I just love it! I usually listen to it RIGHT before I write in my journal. It sparks tons of introspective thought.

K, Bye

-Desi