Thank you Emily for following! I will try and write more often... haha :)
Introduction
Right now I am just chilling in my bed thinking about my life and the direction I am going in. I [barely] made it through this semester and am STILL working on my first half of honors thesis. This is retarded. I submitted my rough-draft for my proposal BEFORE spring break and then my thesis chair decided that "This isn't the route that we should go," and BAM had to go back to the journals, books, websites, and computer. Now I am currently working on my 4th draft f this proposal, and it seems as though I am just not getting it! My thesis chair (of whom I rarely ever physically see) definitely has a way with words that has just enough sting to make me feel worthless. I WILL be done with this thesis a/o December, hopefully.
Moving On
I am really trying to get on the Chancellor's List for the final 2 semesters of my college career! It is very difficult to do this when I have a job (though it is only on the weekends), a boyfriend, friends, 2 different research assistant positions, an honor society officer position, 2 cats, and a dog. I ALWAYS seem to have 2 things going on at once. I am trying to work more during the summer and get up to Maryland to introduce Ritchie to the part of the "family" he has not met. I use quotations solely to articulate the idea that a certain one of them is more estranged than close family to me. Since my mother had kids from when she was like 18-40 years old, the kids range in ages. This consequently forced a wall between the older and the younger kids. Not to mention my oldest sister on my mom's side told me that "I will always see you as the 6 year old little girl." Um, bye.
Onward...
I am about fed up with one of the labs that I am working on.. can't really get into all of that.. but had to state that no less.
And Then...
I have been quite introspective lately, and am realizing that although I am heading in the right direction in my life, I am not 'all in' so to speak. I am not giving 100% to my development and journey. I have allowed for the television to become a crutch, and I have stopped writing, typing, talking, and reading recreationally. I am generally a boring person lately. I wish that I would stop, and I realize the only way that I can stop is to start doing the other things again. I have fallen out of focus in my drive to obtain degrees. I cannot lose myself, my glow and vibrance. I have noticed I have just really started to let myself go! I need to get it together. Once I start focusing on myself, my thoughts, and goals, I feel that I will become more centered. I mean, it's pretty bad when you are driving home blasting music, and you don't even hear it because you are thinking so intensely about the thoughts flying around in your mind (some dying and fading, some crying to get on paper, sex, and food) and staring at the road (and cars) in front of you.
Here's The Kicker-
So basically, I am going through another change in my life and am going to be doing a figurative 'spring cleaning'. However, this spring cleaning is not only going to include old clothes and dusting, this is going to be an 'out with the bad, in with the good'. Variables include people and inanimate objects. I need a change like this. I am beaming even thinking about it!
In Conclusion
I will end this blog with a poem:
The Land of Beginning
I wish that there were some wonderful place
Called the Land of Beginning Again
Where all our mistakes and all our heartaches
And all of our selfish grief
Could be dropped like a shabby old coat by the door
And never be put on again.
I wish we could come on it all unaware
Like the hunter who finds a lost trail
And I wish that the one whom our blindness has done
The greatest injustice of all
Could be at the gates like an old friend that waits
For the comrade he's gladdest to hail.
We would find all the things we intended to do
But forgot, and remembered too late;
Little praises unspoken, little promises broken
And all of the thousand and one
Little duties neglected that might have perfected
The day for one less fortunate.
It wouldn't be possible not to be kind
In the Land of Beginning Again
And the ones we misjudged and the ones whom we grudged
Their moments of victory then
Would find in the grasp of our loving handclasp
More than penitent lips could explain.
For what had been hardest we'd know had been best
And what had seemed loss would be gain
For there isn't a sting that will not take a wing
When we've faced it and laughed it away,
And I think that the laughter is most what we're after
In the Land of Beginning Again.
So I wish that there were some wondered place
Called the Land of Beginning Again
Where all our mistakes and all our heartaches
And all of our selfish grief
Could be dropped like a shabby old coat at the door
And never be put on again.
Louise Fletcher
-One of my favorites-
Desi :)
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