Breed it and Bare it.

My spin on words is quite deliberate. I am not really in a great mood at the current time, and this one goes out to the one I love. I am so emotionally out of it right now. I am quite unmotivated and I am very happy that I don't have to work at all tomorrow. I am hoping that tomorrow will allow me the time I need to really delve into what really is driving my actions currently. I need some time to reflect. Unfortunately, that will have to wait until some point next week. For there are events and plans scheduled from now until Monday. No time for little old Desi.

Here we go: This yelled at me today on the way to work:

"You sold your soul for an ounce of attention.
Gaining the world and demanding affection.
Will you ever be pleased with your own skin?
Will you ever refuse what they're asking?

You can't hide your insecurities with a pretty face.

Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
Begging face down on the floor.
Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
You sold your soul, now they want more.

Vanity's gun left you dead in Hollywood.
Empty, addicted, and screaming for comfort
From a world devoid of compassion
Exchanging hopes for rejection.

You can't hide your insecurities with a pretty face.

Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
Begging face down on the floor.
Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic.
You sold your soul, now they want more."

"Narcotic"-Dead Poetic

Adieu.

So Why Don't You?

I think blogging is helping me get through this end of the semester stress. This blog is super important to me, because it allows me time for therapy in the form of music. I absolutely love this song, because it screams! Here we go:

Wake up! Wake up! My God!
This is not a test!
And it's not too late to come clean
Get it off your chest
So steady your hand before your face and concentrate
There's got to be some stable ground
Left to walk on

So tear another page from the book
Are you asleep or just alone?
Clear this room from your lungs

Pull yourself together
Pull yourself together, man

On your back,
You're sleeping in a bed of shame
Let the light breath some new life into this room
It's what keeps you coming back
Made up of insatiable taste
Bury your head in your hands
And sing into yourself

Oh!

Just what are you so afraid of?
What are you so afraid of?
You're staring truth in the face
So come on down
What are you so afraid of?

You're busy living now, aren't you?
You're busy making vows
You're coming unglued

Time is shorter than you know
I know the light is blinding to the naked eye
So why don't you take steps away from being alone?
I swear, it's not too late for you

It's all worth reaching for
The hand to pull you out

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
And step outside your box

Wake up! 

In Regards to Myself- underOATH

LOVES it. Now go, and reflect.

-Desi

So Just a Little End-of-Semester Pick me up.

I have been sitting here sort of neglecting a lot of things recently:

*My Relationship
*My Homework
*My RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis my joints are killing me somedays)
*My General Health (Getting Flabby)

And was called out tonight on it. I was questioned as to why I do the things I do. Why do I choose to ignore the pressing and majorly important things in my life? I realize it is sort of a defense mechanism that I have used all of my life. When things become tense, stressful, and overwhelming I shut down and off. I may be physically there, but hollow behind these eyes. I will work on this because I feel like I need to become better in times of stress, so being called out will be a great life lesson I will take and use. Cheers for telling me I need to work on it, though it definitely will not change over night. One song that has been on and will be on throughout the final leg of this semester, and FINALS is from Tahiti 80. It's very inspiring to me, and brings me hope. Here we go:

"My life is a mess
just like everybody elses
I guess
not enough time
and too much stress
I'm neglecting you

I'm not saying
I don't worry at all
There are times and moments
to cure my soul
sit back and relax
it's gonna be alright

I know we can
sort this out
It's just a matter of time
baby can't you see
the look on my face
won't you give me a try

I know we can
work it out
It's just a matter of time
baby won't you say
you'll stay and
kiss me one more time

Life is a test
it can be tough but
I'm doing my best
it takes some time
and a lot of stress
but I'm finding my way

I'm not saying
you learn all along
There is always someone
to tell you it's wrong
but I'm talking too much
get back to real life

Say the word
and I'll be there
(so don't you worry now)

Just say the word
and I'll be there
(so don't you worry now) 

I'm not saying
I don't worry at all
There are times and moments
to cure my soul
just sit back and relax
it's gonna be alright


Just say the word 
and I'll be there."
-Matter of Time by Tahiti 80

Ciao,
-Desi

A blast. From my Past

I am in the middle of my terrible horrible no good very bad day, and was doing my normal sulking, and vegging in bed, when I got a blast from the past. This song hit home when I heard it seemingly for the first time all over again. You know, that moment that you just feel every lyric of a song? Yea. Hello, my name is Desi.

Without Further Ado:

"Just forget about it, anything I said about it
drive away tonight you think it's fine.
You put it all inside and run, and never look behind
it's all the same besides the fact that it's mine.
Think of me when you dream and you know
I'm wide awake and thinkin' of you.
Cause I swear when you're there alone
know that I'm wide awake tonight

You could hold my heart,
it's all yours if you want.

Just forget about it, set your mark and keep away
the thoughts that are, just the opposite of you.
It happens every time you fall
you write it off as it were all "I'll be fine just let me try too".
And sing to me, when you sink
and you know that I'm wide awake and watching for you.
Cause I swear when you're there alone
know that I'm wide awake tonight.

I'm Letting you know now


Don't wait just tell me all about it."

"Hold my Heart"

Letter Kills 

Right? I know. So far, this semester has been extremely trying for me, and I have realized that I have to postpone my graduation date, so to fill the time, I added a second major. I thought, since I am so fascinated in the world of Philosophy, I may as well get a degree in it while I am at it. Also, it will keep me from feeling like a complete failure. Other than that, life is good.

-Desi

No TIME To Elaborate, So Here is What's on My Mind

"When I Go Down"

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again 

-Relient K

I'll Never...

This week is very frustrating for me. I have been on edge almost everyday, and feel on edge a lot. I have my first exam tomorrow for my dumbass class, and although I did the study guide, it just seems like I didn't do much more than that, so I will be winging it for the most part! HAHA... Anyway, you know the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"

Conclusion

Cleaning out my friend closet is going well:

**Erase, Replace, Embrace new face**

I will leave you with this:

Voices
-Saosin

I miss the part, when we were moving forward now

On our way down

But maybe someday, I'll be something more than love

Just know I'll never tell

And when you're on your way down

[Through the clouds]

And you're waiting for your body's re-entry again

We speak in different voices

When fighting with the ones we've loved

We speak in different voices

Why can't we say what we're thinking of

I'm missing parts, now that you've told me everything

On our way down

And I was blessed and I've forgotten how to love

You said you'd never tell

And when you're on your way down

[Through the clouds]

And you're waiting for your body's re-entry again

We speak in different voices

When fighting with the ones we've loved

We speak in different voices

Why can't we say what we're thinking of

Not even I will tell

I Know That I Wonder...

Intro-


I had to take a few days off the old blog there, since I had to do some blogging for one of my summer courses, and with the arthritis, after I am done with one blog, my hand is usually very tired. So Happy Memorial Day!! It rained and poured the whole day, then I decided to clean. I mean I went on a rampage, and enjoyed the reward from it!


Body


So, I hope to be done with the summer courses sooner than later. I am beginning to HATE school. GAH, and when the fuck am I going to study for the GRE? Now. I should start setting at least an hour every other day to studying for it! I am supposed to be taking the GRE in August, so, SCARY. Not to mention I have pretty bad test anxiety. Oh, and I am not that good at math. 


Lately


I've not been getting much regular sleep and am looking forward to the waffles that await me in the morning. Maybe if I don't stay in the effing bed all day everyday, then I wouldn't be up all hours of the night! I will work on that among other things. I am getting excited about travel this summer up the east coast again, I think it will be pretty cool to see those I have not in such an amount of time. Also, my thesis chair STILL has not gotten back to me with his edits for my paper. WTF!! 


I Have Not


Begun to feel inspired to write poetically as of yet, maybe one day, right? 'knock-knock creativity, anyone home?' I don't know when, but when I do get it back, it-will-be-epic. Speaking of which, here is my artistic moment for the day:


Follow and Feel


-Saosin

Don't let them know

you're watching the situation crumble.

These things, they take time...

and they know, yes, they know they should be better now.

She's watching me awkwardly from a distance.

Should I care?

Is there something more I should have known?

I know that I wonder.

They took his crown.

There's nothing more left of him now.

but he will be okay

I appreciate, now that they choose to ignore...

I can't set her free to go without a payment plan.

She's watching me awkwardly from a distance.

Should I care?

Is there something more I should have known?

I know that I wonder

She's watching me awkwardly from a distance.

Should I care?

Is there something more I should have known?

I don't need to wonder.

Conclusion

This is my favorite song from one of my favorite bands. It is my favorite for a variety of reasons. The music, the lyrics, I just love it! I usually listen to it RIGHT before I write in my journal. It sparks tons of introspective thought.

K, Bye

-Desi

At The Beginning (Again)...

Hi! Today was a fun and interesting day. I really got a lot of thinking & talking done. It was everything I wanted in this day! This song was the resulting inspiration from today:

At The Beginning

Anastasia

We were strangers

Starting out on a journey

Never dreaming what wed have to go through

Now here we are

And I'm suddenly standing

At the beginning with you

No one told me, that I was going to find you

Unexpected, what you did to my heart

When I lost hope

You were there to remind me

This is the start

We were strangers

On a crazy adventure

Never dreaming that dreams would come true

Now here we stand unafraid of the future

At the beginning with you

Knew there was somebody somewhere

Like me alone in the dark

Now I know that my dream will live on

I've been waiting so long

Nothings gonna tear us apart

Life is a road I wanna keep going

Love is a river I want to keep flowing

Life is road now and forever

Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning

I'll be there when the storm is through

In the end I wanna be standing

At the beginning with you

Introduction

This song means a lot to me. First, it makes me think about Ritchie and I standing at the beginning of our graduate school journey's not even having chosen potential programs! It's kind of scary thinking about all the rejection, but I would not chose anyone else to do this with! I am thinking and re-thinking on whether or not to apply primarily to masters or doctoral programs, only because my GPA will not really be competitive by the time that I am done with undergrad. I will most likey do the masters-to-doctoral degree instead of direct doctoral track straight from undergrad. The song to me is also reflecting the journey of finding myself, and really, the process of discovering me. This is also very scary because I never know what I am going to find through meditation, and sitting in front of this computer and typing. Blogging is king-of fun though, it's kind of like oooh, what am I going to reflect on today? HAHA

ON TO PHILOSOPHY

This class is SO cool. It's funny though, because I thought it was going to be stupid because the teacher is kind of intense, but it's a great class, and I really enjoy the pace of it. Everyday we are looking at various female artists and discussing how they have individually contributed to the world of art and feminist movement. The question I have is, because of how our culture is socially structured, there really is no way to "fix" the problem of the heteropatriarchal positive society. In her paper, Linda Nochlin discusses the concept of how fixed our society is and the idea that how women working SO hard to be on the same level as men, is inherently separating themselves from men AND puting this on this figurative pedistal, which is perpetuating the way things are in society to begin with! How can we stop this? Is there even a way?

Next

Upon coming home, Ritchie and I sat out on the porch and compaired what Cosmo claims are 75 sex tips from real men, to what is really sexy to us. Some of these tips were completely ridiculous. I mean, one of the tips were, "To really show me that you want me, rub your fingers very, very, slowly down my leg and I am all yours." That is just STUPID. Rubbing down ones leg is rubbing AWAY from the area you want to stimulate to begin with, and rubbing very very slowly with your fingers is just awkward. Good grief charlie brown. 

Moving on

I suppose I will not be to long-winded in this one, I will just keep this short and sweet. Macgruber was a HILARIOUS movie, my summer philosophy class ROCKS, Ritchie is the best thing since sliced bread, I WILL sing again, and am going to start going to The Open Door Studios in the fall and DANCE damnit, and the more I write and find artistic creativity, the more I feel at peace with myself. I will figure out how I feel about my family at some point, but until then, I will live and be myself without fail!

Conclusion

Watch Macgruber. If you see it in a theater, or wait for it to appear on Redbox, WATCH IT! HAHA!! As promised, here is another one of my favorite poems:

Where The Sidewalk Ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends

And before the street begins,

And there the grass grows soft and white,

And there the sun burns crimson bright,

And there the moon-bird rests from his flight

To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black

And the dark street winds and bends.

Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow

We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And watch where the chalk-white arrows go

To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,

And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know

The place where the sidewalk ends.

Shel Silverstein 

Now, I must resign to my homework. Peace out my homies.

-Desi

It Looks Like You Have a Case of The Mondays...

I am beginning my blog with a poem this time:

I Cannot Go To School Today!

by Shel Silverstein

"I cannot go to school today"

Said little Peggy Ann McKay.

"I have the measles and the mumps,

A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.

I'm going blind in my right eye.

My tonsils are as big as rocks,

I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,

And don't you think my face looks green?

My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,

It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,

I'm sure that my left leg is broke.

My hip hurts when I move my chin,

My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,

My 'pendix pains each time it rains.

My toes are cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,

I hardly whisper when I speak.

My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,

My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...

What? What's that? What's that you say?

You say today is .............. Saturday?

G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

This is the beginning of summer session 1 y'all. I have an Intro class followed by an upper-level class. The intro class is Sociology and it's RETARDED y'all. Not to offend anyone that has mental incapabilities or anything, but the teacher walks up and down each aisle of the class and awkwardly speaks to one specific student about dumbass really general and most basic info. Freaking general education requirements can eat my left buttcheek. Though the upper-level course is a really cool philosophy course about women in the media, and it completely makes up for the morning intro- bull-shit class and the 4 hour gap in between the two courses (ugh). The professor of the Phil class is pretty neat, and the way that she paces herself and the way in which she presents the information is very enteraining and captivating. I think it won't be bad to do this for 3 days a week. The only thing is it's already 7, and I have a daily discusion that I HAVE to do before 2 tomorrow. 

Recap on Last Blog

Yeah, so I am quitting the lab I said that I had a problem with. They don't appreciate me. I mean, I know I am like the lowest on the totem pole and everything (being an undergraduate student) but they could at least give me a thank you or something, not a you suck, and you're too welcoming and laid back to be taken seriously. K, bye lab.

And on and on..

So, I was talking to Ritchie about my family situation and I totally feel more confused about it than ever now, and don't know what I should do about it. I as a person, compartmentalize EVERYTHING in my brain. I repress a lot of emotions from the past, and don't really let much get to me, well, on the surface. I guess I should just brush the person that I was referring to off my shoulder and not hold a grudge, because you know what? I AM an adult and I am fully capable of being an independent, strong, intellectual human being whether or not this person may never see me as anything else besides a six year old little girl. I won't see her for more than what she is to me, a person. Didn't the word person kind-of buzzkill that last statement? Well this blog is a public one, so ANYONE could be reading it. We don't wanna go there all the way.

Speaking of Which

I have been constantly thinking about how I need to begin giving 100% to myself and truly living. Not just by blogging (which is seemingly therapeutic) but through journaling, writing poetry, dancing, and singing. I have been fairly consistant with the recent blogging... hopefully I will keep it up. I have been so stuck in my own head lately that I've not done more than really think. THINKING THINKING THINKING.

All in All..

I am not so much stuck in a creative rut as much as I am stuck in a monetary one. I cannot find a job to save my life and I don't know how I will have the next two months rent.. between now and August. Ritchie is SUCH a lifesaver, he says he has my back, though I feel badly because I should be having my own! We'll see if I get any call backs (right). I am sooo thankful for him, he loves me so much and keeps me so happy. I can't wait to really begin our family and settle down with our 6 kids, 2 dogs, and 4 cats!! Wow, finally something I can smile about. Thank you Ritchie, for being my road dog.

In conclusion

My hopes in this blog is to eventually share a teeny bit of my own work, though I don't want people to try and steal it (all the millions of people who look at my blog.. LOL). So, now I am just puting up poetry and such that is inspiring to me at the moment. I will end with an excerpt from one of my favorite children's books that basically encapsulates my feeling today:

"I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day." 

— Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Ciao~

Desi

Collecting My Thoughts.

It's Been a While...
Thank you Emily for following! I will try and write more often... haha :)

Introduction

Right now I am just chilling in my bed thinking about my life and the direction I am going in. I [barely] made it through this semester and am STILL working on my first half of honors thesis. This is retarded. I submitted my rough-draft for my proposal BEFORE spring break and then my thesis chair decided that "This isn't the route that we should go," and BAM had to go back to the journals, books, websites, and computer. Now I am currently working on my 4th draft f this proposal, and it seems as though I am just not getting it! My thesis chair (of whom I rarely ever physically see) definitely has a way with words that has just enough sting to make me feel worthless. I WILL be done with this thesis a/o December, hopefully.

Moving On

I am really trying to get on the Chancellor's List for the final 2 semesters of my college career! It is very difficult to do this when I have a job (though it is only on the weekends), a boyfriend, friends, 2 different research assistant positions, an honor society officer position, 2 cats, and a dog. I ALWAYS seem to have 2 things going on at once. I am trying to work more during the summer and get up to Maryland to introduce Ritchie to the part of the "family" he has not met. I use quotations solely to articulate the idea that a certain one of them is more estranged than close family to me. Since my mother had kids from when she was like 18-40 years old, the kids range in ages. This consequently forced a wall between the older and the younger kids. Not to mention my oldest sister on my mom's side told me that "I will always see you as the 6 year old little girl." Um, bye.

Onward...

I am about fed up with one of the labs that I am working on.. can't really get into all of that.. but had to state that no less.

And Then...

I have been quite introspective lately, and am realizing that although I am heading in the right direction in my life, I am not 'all in' so to speak. I am not giving 100% to my development and journey. I have allowed for the television to become a crutch, and I have stopped writing, typing, talking, and reading recreationally. I am generally a boring person lately. I wish that I would stop, and I realize the only way that I can stop is to start doing the other things again. I have fallen out of focus in my drive to obtain degrees. I cannot lose myself, my glow and vibrance. I have noticed I have just really started to let myself go! I need to get it together. Once I start focusing on myself, my thoughts, and goals, I feel that I will become more centered. I mean, it's pretty bad when you are driving home blasting music, and you don't even hear it because you are thinking so intensely about the thoughts flying around in your mind (some dying and fading, some crying to get on paper, sex, and food) and staring at the road (and cars) in front of you.

Here's The Kicker-

So basically, I am going through another change in my life and am going to be doing a figurative 'spring cleaning'. However, this spring cleaning is not only going to include old clothes and dusting, this is going to be an 'out with the bad, in with the good'. Variables include people and inanimate objects. I need a change like this. I am beaming even thinking about it!

In Conclusion

I will end this blog with a poem:

The Land of Beginning

I wish that there were some wonderful place

Called the Land of Beginning Again

Where all our mistakes and all our heartaches

And all of our selfish grief

Could be dropped like a shabby old coat by the door

And never be put on again.

I wish we could come on it all unaware

Like the hunter who finds a lost trail

And I wish that the one whom our blindness has done

The greatest injustice of all

Could be at the gates like an old friend that waits

For the comrade he's gladdest to hail.

We would find all the things we intended to do

But forgot, and remembered too late;

Little praises unspoken, little promises broken

And all of the thousand and one

Little duties neglected that might have perfected

The day for one less fortunate.

It wouldn't be possible not to be kind

In the Land of Beginning Again

And the ones we misjudged and the ones whom we grudged

Their moments of victory then

Would find in the grasp of our loving handclasp

More than penitent lips could explain.

For what had been hardest we'd know had been best

And what had seemed loss would be gain

For there isn't a sting that will not take a wing

When we've faced it and laughed it away,

And I think that the laughter is most what we're after

In the Land of Beginning Again.

So I wish that there were some wondered place

Called the Land of Beginning Again

Where all our mistakes and all our heartaches

And all of our selfish grief

Could be dropped like a shabby old coat at the door

And never be put on again.

Louise Fletcher 

-One of my favorites-

Desi   :)

Previews

Here I am, at the beginning of a new semester; a potentially crazy semester. I have 4 classes, 2 research labs, Honors Thesis, and Psi Chi. This is scary. But I feel like I am prepared to handle all of this, because of last semester, and the help of my severe OCD for A's.. So Here's hoping.

This is ME

In creating this blog I will be bearing my life. I will not be afraid to speak on anything and everything going on in my life. My only need is for feedback when I ask, or when you feel motivated to.


A little about me. I am a 24 year old senior at UNC-Charlotte. I am going to be earning my B.S in Psychology and a minor in Cognitive Science. My goal is to become a Sexologist, and teach at the University level. I also work at a tea shop in south park mall, and have been there a little over 2 years. I don't really love it anymore, but since I only have a year and a half left before (hopefully) leaving for graduate school, so I can get through it here. A lot has been forced on me, and a lot I have created for myself. Hopefully through this blog, I can get through all my old stuff and get through any new stuff that comes up along the way.


Cheers,


Desi :)