So, I've decided that in the spirit of the holiday season, I would structure this blog to be somewhat of a Festivus themed entry, in the sense that I will air most of my grievances in the most tactful and anonymous way that I can.
1
This crazy little thing called love. What does it mean? In my short life, I have had SO many different contexts, definitions, and relational explanations thrown at me regarding the meaning of this term. There's like at least 10 different types of love that comes up on google search, this frickin' society is not doing a good job at being concise about these things. I suppose that love is a more individual journey, where over time, one becomes more attuned to their notions of the types of love they will have in their lifetime, and become happy with that... the Gemini in me just isn't satisfied with this. I don't know that I'll ever be solid on what the eff this love thing is. All of this is to say my heart hurts, I am sad and disgusted. I'm tired of saving face, and saying everything is fine. IT ISN'T. I am seemingly hapless with only one sliver of light guiding me through this cavernous decline. The worst part of this whole thing is that over the past months of this decline, that I have been having to silence my raw feelings in order to protect the feelings of those around me. As a thinker and a writer, that is probably the single most difficult thing that I have had to do. I consider myself to be a pretty compassionate and patient person, but I am on the brink of demise and I need to air it so I don't have to BEAR it any longer. Even though I am not being specific with the deets, this is something that needed to be written. I needed to release this. I used to be naive and used to think as long as I loved you, I'm okay with anything you may throw at me. But because of you, I know what it is to grieve, I know what it is to cry, and I know how it feels to feel, to FEEL... I'm just going to leave the rest of this thought alone, for now.
2
I am so stuck in this rut of complicity and complacency. I was recently reading through my old journals trying to catalogue these past few months, and those are two of the themes that kept creeping up. I believe that I need to take the advice of a dear friend and really take hold of my life, for my own sake, and for the sake of those who care for me (literally, figuratively, and emotionally). The only thing in my way seems to be me. You see, I just realized that I had been depressed over the last long while, and was simply going through the motions of life, (and no, this is not about to turn into an infomercial) and now that I have had a little time to analyze things (not long enough) I know I need to allow time and space for myself to heal. Unfortunately, as a poor graduate student, I do not have the luxury of time, or space, so this blog will have to do. As far as things I will do, I am going to move in with some amazing people to cut down on living expenses, and get a second job so that I will hopefully not have to stress AS much when the end of semester/year poorness rears its ugly head. I know, TMI, but you are the one who chose to read this.
3
Finally, I am taking a lot more courses next semester than I did this semester, and am scared as I am also lopping a second job on top of things. I need to get OUT of this program and into a Ph.D program in Philosophy already (which is why I am taking all the courses I am), so that I can actually be moving toward my career goal and passion in life! I officially dub this part of my life 'The Wonder Years'. Not only am I referencing the old TV show, but referencing my agonizingly mundane, yet difficult to bear emotional and financial times that I will be having over the next few years. I feel like I'm going through adolescence again, sans the acne. I have even come to acquire a new title, generated facetiously, though it has begun to stick. I'm still playing around with it, deciding for myself when it is appropriate to use it and when it isn't.
4
As for my favorite part of this blog, lyrics. I have no lyrics this time, though I have some quotes from one of my FAVORITE books, The Woman Destroyed, by Simone de Beauvoir:
"As for me, I've lost my own image. I did not look at it often; but it was there, in the
background... A straightforward, genuine, "authentic"
woman, with out mean-mindedness, uncompromising, but at the same time
understanding, indulgent, sensitive, deeply feeling, intensely aware of things and of
people, passionately devoted to those she loved and creating happiness for them. A fine
life, serene, full, "harmonious." It is dark: I cannot see myself anymore. And what do the
others see? Maybe something hideous."
This spoke to me as I was writing and thinking of what I would end this blog with. It is definitely relevant to what I am going through currently, although at the same time in the words of Simone, "...What an odd thing a diary is: the things you omit are more important than those you put in..."
Ciao,
-Madam Desicus
