The reason I am writing is because I cannot focus on anything I am supposed to be doing today. I'm all up in my head and I need to clear my mind so I can use my brain. So, without further ado...
Hi
As it is the eve of the anniversary of my dad's death, I realize now that I need to take some time to acknowledge it, think on it, and reconcile my mind and heart. So, my dad died about 6 years ago tomorrow and I still feel like I need to call him in order to settle some things in my heart. My dad was a lot to me in my life. He provided a really unique perspective as to what it means to be a dad. It's really weird that I was a daddy's girl since he wasn't necessarily present in my childhood. All that motivated me was the want to make my dad happy and proud. I would watch television with him after dinner, I'd eat the exact same foods as he did, I drank the same juice as he did. I just wanted him to find favor in me. Not to seem emo, but I guess my best wasn't good enough. That was the dynamic of our relationship. I always thought I wanted to be like my father, until I hit adulthood and realized I did inherit some of his traits. I can't believe that I wanted to be like him. Some of the inner turmoil I face is rooted in the toxic relationship I had with him growing up. Pretending, romanticizing the perfect father/daughter relationship, all the while he wasn't there. I'd probably actually see him for about however long it took him to drive me from school to either a friend's house or my nana's place, and at the end of the night when he picked me up from wherever he dropped me off until I was in bed for the night. But those moments were some of the BEST moments of my childhood to me, until I realized how little that time actually was. The start of the year of his death was very distressful and was loaded with horrible events and uncertainty. I knew that I was going to have to wait, just a little while, before I confronted my dad about my hurt and pain. I guess I waited too long.
Moving Right Along
In other news, my life as I know it right now is going relatively smoothly as I enjoy chaos. I am falling into sync with work at UNCG, and I think I have found my area of specialization, community outreach. No, I am not referring to soup kitchens, and clothing drives (although I am NOT hating on that and think those are noble causes to back), I am talking about ACTIVISM. I am going to do what I can to get our program active with the community and with each other. I am at the very initial stages of sleuthing. However, I want to be active in LGBTQI communities, with an emphasis on trans advocacy. I would like to create a place of potentiality, a place where things can happen and are happening, where articles are being written, parties happen. I want our program to bridge the gap between academic and non-academic LGBTQI spaces. I have hope.
"Perfect Relationships"
Nothing is EVER going to be perfect, right? I am learning that every day. Don't let that last statement fool you into thinking that I am desperately unhappy or anything, but things are always "up in the air" so to speak currently. There is a huge level of uncertainty as it relates to issues involving my heart, though there is also EXTREME CLARITY. I can't help but attribute it to my astrological sign (Gemini) ;) it's like I have constant inner turmoil, though I wouldn't have it ANY other way. Okay, for those of you who are all like, "Really, Desi? You 'can't help but attribute it to your SIGN?'" No, I am not really contributing it to my sign, it was a seemingly coloquial anecdote used to cover the fact that I don't actually know exactly why I am so conflicted all the time... Let's just end this thought here.
In Conclusion
This is a short blog. Why? BECAUSE I AM SO CONFLICTED. I do feel a little better now that I've written, but it didn't 'do' what I was intending it to. Oh well. All is well that ends well I presume.
Now for my Favorite Part
The last segment of my blog where I post lyrics that speak to me. All day this has been BLARING in my mind:
"I once knew a girl
In the years of my youthWith eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved"
-Someday You Will Be Loved, by Death Cab For Cutie
This song makes me think of my dad. Not in a creepy way or anything, but it makes me think that he'd say something like this to me, to help me cope with the loss of my parent. I love you papa. You'll always be my Lion King.
Until Next Time,
-M. Desicus
