Do you REALLY want to know me? Here.

This Blog get's real from the start:

During this last month and a half, I've been facing my longstanding 'hurdles' that are hindering my furthered success. By success, I mean emotional transparency, the ability to clearly communicate, and honing the ability to take myself seriously with some sort of consistency. I have realized that a lot of the problem lies in the way that I have been dealing with my self-concept, and handling tough situations growing up. I realized that all of my life (from as far as I can remember) I have always wanted immediate validation. Not just from anyone, I wanted it from people that I thought I would never get it from. So I pushed myself above and beyond just to get that extra validation I needed. However, once I got the validation that I needed from the person/people I wanted it from, it didn't mean as much as I thought it would. So then it would be time to put the peddle to the metal once more, with a new target at hand. The cycle continued all through my school years, up until a few years ago. In saying this, I realize that I had never really been living for ME. I had never taken into consideration my whole life whether or not the decisions that I was choosing to make were the ones that I wanted REGARDLESS of the effect that it had on the people around me. Claiming and accepting that as part of my past, I am able to learn from it for my present and future. I am able to really think about what I WANT and what I need to do in order to get to where I want to be before I make the life changing decisions, which is a totally liberating feeling.

I also have a big problem with second guessing myself. It's definitely to a fault. Something that I knew I knew, I would second guess if it came into public discussion. Although, I think that has a lot to do with the validation thing, in that it's almost like I require at least one person to be in agreement with me before I state my educated opinion on something. I don't know why at times I am so confident (when I am alone thinking and writing) and completely opposite in certain public forums, though to me it does make sense in tying to the whole validation thing. This part of me is a little more difficult to delve into, and will take a lot more thought and meditation, I know I will learn from this and grow.

I am just BARELY scraping the surface here with these issues, and am intrigued, nervous, and excited to really get to the bottom of these things. I know this must be entertaining to read at some level, but it is very serious to me and I really am working on these things. An integral part of the process to me is documenting the progress, and that's where this comes in.

On a Lighter Note:

I have had success with my Psychology Honors Thesis (though I have burned so many bridges within that department) and I am very confident that this will go swimmingly. So even though standing up for myself, and taking myself seriously came a little late (okay, a ton late) and it ended up costing me my entire committee, I cannot be more inspired than I am with my new thesis advisor, and know that they really do have my best interest in mind. I can't wait until I am to the point of actually discussing the thesis and get some great feedback (and hopefully grades) for it.
Interestingly, I am a lot more interested in my Philosophy Honors Thesis. That is moving at a steady pace, but the topic is SO interesting to me. It encompasses the general majority of what I find interesting socially and culturally. I can't wait to delve more into that (and am glad that I have been given a structured timeline for the successful completion of it). So, am I going into Philosophy or Psychology for graduate school? WE WILL SEE who wants me. haha, yes my friends, I am leaving it up to the will of the institutions that I apply to.

ANNNND Finally, what you've been waiting for, the lyrics that are blaring loudly in my head (seriously, it was like blaring in my dream, I felt like I was there).



Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove, treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here, you'd think
Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got who's-its and what's-its galore
You want thing-a-mabobs?
I've got twenty
But who cares? No big deal. I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin'
walkin' around on those
Whaddya call 'em? Oh, feet

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down the
What's that word again? Street
Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free, wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day
Warm on the sand?

Betcha on land they understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women, sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire, and why does it
What's the word? Burn

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love?
Love to explore that shore up above
Out of the sea, wish I could be
Part of that world


Part of Your World

-Little Mermaid

I don't know why it was blaring in there, but yes indeed, it was. Hope you take something from this, and hope at the very least you were entertained.


Ciao,
-Desi