The Struggle: My Sanity or The Perpetuation of the System. Either way, I am Falling Through the Cracks.

Welcome.

This isn't what I counted on. This isn't what I thought it'd be; the fantasy is dead... and long forgotten.

And so lies the hopes and dreams that I once had in a program that I was a part of. All I can do now is try and parse how I am coping. A series of emotions washed over me initially

• Rage
• Anger
• Anxiety

Followed by a period of

• Grief
• Resentment
• Melancholy

Which now have begun to shift to more ambivalent feelings of

• Happiness
• Apathy
• Disgust

I want to explain exactly how this last academic year has REALLY hurt and discouraged me, but at this point, I really don't have the words... In the words of Jordan Peele, "Alright; I'll give it a shot."

September:

This isn't real. This is what is considered Theory?

Why can't I write the way they want me to?

What is this program about anyway?

October:

COMMUTING SUCKS...

November:

How many loans did I take out for this?

I don't even think I learned anything and I am supposed to WRITE 

about the themes and subjects I was supposed to master?!

December:

Break == Denial

January:

I don't understand why I am still here.

February:

I shouldn't still be here.

I must not understand what this program is about,

but either way, I don't want to be here anymore.

March:

Commuting is what is getting in the way of success. 

If I just push through this hump in the road, I can make it

April:

Finals? What finals?

May:

DONE. NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE. 

In all seriousness, the decision that I had to make to leave the grad program that I was in definitely did not come easy. This was a long treacherous journey for me, where I honestly didn't know if I was simply extremely biased against the program, or why it was not a good fit for me to begin with. I am sure I will discuss this at length in the future, but for now, I simply had to get that out of my head and off of my back. Hopefully this very difficult choice will lead to something more fitting to my aims and goals in life. Hopefully it will lead to something more fulfilling and rewarding than the THOUSANDS of dollars of loan money I took out for a seemingly wasted year (at least on paper). Thousands of dollars that I paid (will be paying back) to be emotionally hurt, intellectually discouraged and confused, to say in the very least. Cheers to change. Cheers to the future.

What else is going on?

Love:

This is ALWAYS a tricky subject for me, as I am pretty flighty. I feel like I am constantly in love and craving newness all simultaneously. This does not tent to play out that well practically, but I really can't complain currently. My birthday is RIGHT around the corner, so we shall see what kind of spice comes of that!

Money/Job:

Whelp, my first job ended May 1st, so I am working part time currently looking for a second part time job. First job was part of the shitty year, and I don't think I should get into that right now, at least until I am calmed and focused my rage a little bit. So, I REALLY REALLY need money, and am looking for a second part time, especially going into the grad school application season once more (SO much money will be spent). 

Physical Health:

I pretty fat and happy! I've just started to run and blade again (weather has been a HUGE instigator for that) and I am loving the sun. My arthritis has SEVERELY messed with the joints in my arms (primarily my left elbow joint area) and I am hoping that the juicing I am about to start helps this get better... the LAST thing that I want to do is take medicine. We shall see how that goes.

Emotional/Mental health:

As the crazy academic year has just come to an end, my brain is PRETTY drained. I am going to try and decompress, get used to the workflow, then I will try and focus on my writing (on all forms of my writing that is). I am really excited to put together an article for the newest porn studies journal, so I can't wait for things to chill a bit more so that I can get into a good headspace to write in. (hopefully soon). Oh yeah, finally checked out this cool (and cheap) yoga spot (for my arthritis)... probably gonna start doing yoga as well. I'm not kidding. This place serves TEA REX TEA Y'ALL. yum, yum, YUMMY! Anywhozles, maybe you could check them out here, I mean, if you want...

Until next time, here's my FAVE part. DUDE (in the gender neutral sense of the term). This song has been ALL UP IN my head since it came OUT. This song has been helping me get through the rough days, and has really helped me to get hyped on the good ones:


"Girl, this is crazy
Let me tell you

[Verse 1: Janelle Monae]

I can't believe all of the things they say about me
Walk in the room they throwing shade left to right
They be like, "Ooh, she serving face"
And I just tell 'em cut me up and get down
They call us dirty cause we break all your rules down
And we just came to act a fool, is that all right?
(Girl, that's alright)
They be like, "Ooh, let them eat cake."
But we eat wings and throw them bones on the ground

[Hook]

Am I a freak for dancing around?
Am I a freak for getting down?
I'm cutting up, don't cut me down
Yeah I wanna be, wanna be Queen

[Verse 2]

Is it peculiar that she twerk in the mirror?
And am I weird to dance alone late at night?
And is it true we're all insane?
And I just tell 'em, "No we ain't" and get down

I heard this life is just a play with no rehearsal
I wonder will this be my final act tonight
And tell me what's the price of fame?
Am I a sinner with my skirt on the ground?

[Verse 3]

Hey brother can you save my soul from the devil?
Say is it weird to like the way she wear her tights?
And is it rude to wear my shades?
Am I a freak because I love watching Mary? (Maybe)

Hey sister am I good enough for your heaven?
Say will your God accept me in my black and white?
Will he approve the way I'm made?
Or should I reprogram the programming
Get down?

[Spoken Word]

Even if it makes others uncomfortable
I wanna love who I am
Even if it makes other uncomfortable
I will love who I am

[Breakdown: Erykah Badu]

Dance 'til the break of dawn
Don't mean a thing, so duh
I can't take it no more
Baby, me and tuxedo crew
Pharaohs, it ain't my tomb
Crazy in the black and white
We got the drums so tight
Baby, here comes the freedom songToo strong we moving on
Baby this melody
Will show you another way
Been 'droids for far too long
Come home and sing your song
But you gotta testify
Because the booty don't lie

No, no, the booty don't lie
Oh no, the booty don't lie
[Verse 4: Janelle Monae]

Yeah
Yeah, let's flip it
I don't think they understand what I'm trying to say

I asked a question like this
"Are we a lost generation of our people?
Add us to equations but they'll never make us equal.
She who writes the movie owns the script and the sequel.
So why ain't the stealing of my rights made illegal?
They keep us underground working hard for the greedy,
But when it's time pay they turn around and call us needy.
My crown too heavy like the Queen Nefertiti
Gimme back my pyramid, I'm trying to free Kansas City.
Mixing masterminds like your name Bernie Grundman.
Well I'mma keep leading like a young Harriet Tubman
You can take my wings but I'm still goin' fly
And even when you edit me the booty don't lie
Yeah, keep singing and I'mma keep writing songs
I'm tired of Marvin asking me, "What's Going On?
March to the streets 'cuz I'm willing and I'm able
Categorize me, I defy every label
And while you're selling dope, we're gonna keep selling hope
We rising up now, you gotta deal you gotta cope
Will you be electric sheep?
Electric ladies, will you sleep?
Or will you preach?"

-"Q.U.E.E.N." by Janelle Monae Featuring Erykah Badu. (Lyrics found on rapgenius.com) 

Actually; if you have not heard or seen this song/video, PLEASE; do yourself this favor.

XoXo,
-M. Desicus