Hump Days are For Chumps & Posers.
So, here I am again. I have too much going on in my brain, which is creating writer's block. I'm going to word vomit a bit, I hope it's entertaining.
I will start with the most pressing issues, and move from there.
1.
There are things like education that are affecting me in the worst way. I don't want to sound like I'm simply bitching about a program because I was a slacker in it or anything, but here it goes. I don't really know what the real base of this disconnection is, or where to point fingers, but I had one of THE WORST years of my life this past year and I know that the program I was a part of weighed heavily on this. First of all, I was a commuter grad student. Oh, and the trip was 1.5 hours one way. That sucked the life out of me soon after it began. What also sucked is that I never was able to understand what the goals and aims of the program I was a part of actually were. I constantly felt disappointed with the syllabi and class structure of each of the classes I took (required and otherwise) and am quite sure that this year left me feeling like I've regressed in my writing, critical analysis, and my general motivation to stay in higher ed. It seemed like the less I put forth, the better my grade became. I don't understand how that worked, but it is what it is. Also, I felt that my dissension and critique was never taken seriously, and was only listened to so that the powers that be would be able to say that they acknowledged it. The program claims to be highly involved in activism, though it seemed that it was only as far as recognition of community groups, and branding took them. Seriously, one of the first things I did when I started there was check their community resources tab on the website to see what local community organizations that we were a part of and to my dismay, most of the links were dead or the organization had to close down because of lack of funding. This year, with the help of the super active and passionate Student Staff that I was a part of we have gotten the program more active with the community around the campus. We hosted TONS of events that engaged the community, and reached out to those that we were reppin' and collaborating with to co-host events with us, so things are getting better I suppose.
I felt like I was constantly misunderstood by the admin staff and faculty, and because of my commuter status, I was never going to be able to truly show my potential to them. Because of this, coupled with the fact that there was A LOT of double talk and contradictions happening around me, and my general disappointment in the syllabi & class structure, I've realized that this program just isn't a good fit for me, and committing this to text is VERY liberating. I am technically still enrolled in this program, but I will be transferring to the certificate program so that I can get outta there soonly (I would only need one more class to finish the certificate).
So, obviously quitting an MA program is really going to negatively affect my chances in getting into my dream Ph.D program and any Ph.D programs in general, so I'm stressing. That stressor was the reason I stayed in the program as long as I did in the first place! I am also stressing because of the fact that I'm not sure if my experience with this program I am finishing up my time with is an exception, or the rule, which is where my general lack of motivation to stay within these towers come from. I am a writer, I will keep writing regardless of any decision that I make academically, I just hope that I find and get into a Ph.D program where I am constantly challenged and positively grow! I would like to teach on the college level (higher level courses than intro and such, though I would obviously teach intro as well), while writing and networking in the fields of critical race theory, human sexuality, feminist philosophy, and gender studies. I'm putting it out there in the hopes that, "so it is written, so shall it be." However, the last thing I will say on the matter in this blog post is that I'd MUCH rather be in the situation I am in now, than stay in the program I am currently attempting to get out of. I would have LOST my mind if I had to spend another year or two in that mess.
Moving Right Along
2.
Money. I just started a job at Teavana (again) but this time I'm SELLING! It's certainly different, and addictive. It is also frustrating because of the fact that I am constantly taking personally if I can't sell the tea/tea merch to a customer or if I can't get a customer to even try some tea. I was told that I will soon get over that, and BOY am I looking forward to that happening.
I am also applying to a second job (because one part-time job does NOT pay all the bills) and excitingly have a second interview with them on Monday (this company employs a 3-interview process)!! I am definitely looking forward to it, as I have been wanting to work for this company for YEARS!!! I won't jinx it though, let's just say I'm hopeful.
I never realized how much I relied on the loans I was getting for school to get me by until that stopped coming in and have to work hourly for the pay I get, instead of dealing with a lump sum over time! This shift is a hard one, it has certainly gotten in the way of my writing, and focus on my writing & research. I think as I get into the new swing of things, it will hopefully get better for me, and easier to write and research. As of right now, I'm ALL over the place (as you can see).
3.
My love life is too complex for words, but finding clarity in it is too simple for me to worry about. Things are ALL over the place and my main question is where are all the single lesbians at in real LIFE?! Just sayin', the internet does WONDERS at creating the facade that there are SO many single available lesbians around, when sadly, I have NO idea where they are hiding... Putting myself out there is all.
I have a desire burning in my heart,
a yearning.
I am wondering if it will ever be quenched.
Probably not.
I love love, and I love sex.
I love myself
and at best
I'll be happy with me until need be.
Seriously, it took a long time to get to this point, to be honest.
4.
I am currently working on writing about revolution, and I am finding it difficult to parse it in a productive way because I am so fucking pissed. I just want to say that a revolution isn't going to happen through love and suggestions to "be the change you want to see." I think through my experience this year, I learned that in most situations being "the change" does nothing if you are the minority (in this instance, the power minority). I find this tends to be the case because the power majority can (and in most cases, does) simply dismiss you and not take your critique or active dissension as anything intelligible or even if it is intelligible, wouldn't see it as anything worth while. In a nutshell, I find that in order for there to BE a chance for loving embrace of one another (accounting for individually lived experiences within our society), and living the change you want to see, there will HAVE to be some jarring event (or set of events) that DEMANDS visibility, recognition, and direct response. People will have to be willing to die for this. Now, I'm not saying that a revolution will be a bloody war or anything, I am however saying that there are SO MANY discriminations, structured ignorances, and disparate power dynamics that we have to directly confront, and based on the way things are going, the revolution will likely be tumultuous, violent, and everything you've imagined in your worse nightmares (about revolution).
So, I'm taking inspiration from the following in the construction of this writing:
- Iris Marion Young
- J. Jack Halberstam
- Frantz Fanon
- Tim Wise
- bell hooks
- Janelle Monae & Erykah Badu
- Angela Davis
- Susan Stryker
- June Jordan &
- Audre Lorde
I am pulling primarily from only a couple of the above with the addition of a few other things I might find in research. We shall see how it goes. I really want it to be clear, and productive, not only a rant. But the rage will most certainly be there. There's no hiding that. I just want it to be cogent, thought provoking, and empowering. I'm working on it.
And so the story goes
5.
I feel a lot better than I felt at the beginning of this blog post. I'm happy to get most of the weight off of my back, hopefully this will allow more clarity with the other writing I am working on.
In the end everything I do is representative of all that I am
6.
Here's my favorite part, where I present lyrics that have really be influential to me and/or cannot get out of my head! Since I have been listening to Janelle Monae & Erykah Badu on repeat everyday lately, I am going to present a chunk of that (the chunk that is on repeat in my head) paired with some inspiring words from June Jordan (that is also all up in my headspace).
"I asked a question like this
"Are we a lost generation of our people?"
Add us to equations but they'll never make us equal.
She who writes the movie owns the script and the sequel.
So why ain't the stealing of my rights made illegal?
They keep us underground working hard for the greedy,
But when it's time pay they turn around and call us needy.
My crown too heavy like the Queen Nefertiti
Gimme back my pyramid, I'm trying to free Kansas City.
Mixing masterminds like your name Bernie Grundman.
Well I'mma keep leading like a young Harriet Tubman
You can take my wings but I'm still goin' fly
And even when you edit me the booty don't lie
Yeah keep singing, I'mma keep writing songs
I'm tired of Marvin asking me, "What's Going On?
March to the streets 'cuz I'm willing and I'm able
Categorize me, I defy every label
And while you're selling dope, we're gonna keep selling hope
We rising up now, you gotta deal you gotta cope
Will you be electric sheep?
Electric ladies, will you sleep?
Or will you preach?"
-Q.U.E.E.N. By Janelle Monae Featuring Erykah Badu (lyrics retrieved from rapgenius.com)
"...I am the history of rape
I am the history of the rejection of who I am
I am the history of the terrorized incarceration of
myself...
...I
have been raped
be-
cause
I have been wrong the wrong sex the wrong age
the
wrong skin the wrong nose the wrong hair the
wrong
need the wrong dream the wrong geographic
the
wrong sartorial I
I
have been the meaning of rape
I
have been the problem everyone seeks to
eliminate
by forced
penetration
with or without the evidence of slime and/
but
let this be unmistakable this poem
is
not consent I do not consent
to
my mother to my father to the teachers to
the
F.B.I. to South Africa to Bedford-Stuy
to
Park Avenue to American Airlines to the hardon
idlers
on the corners to the sneaky creeps in
cars
I am not wrong: Wrong is not my name
My
name is my own my own my own
and
I can’t tell you who the hell set things up like this
but
I can tell you that from now on my resistance
my
simple and daily and nightly self-determination
may very well cost you your life."-Excerpt From "A Poem About My Rights" by June Jordan (This and more found at poetryfoundation.org)
Thanks for reading, it felt good to vent.
Come back now, ya here!?!
-M. Desicus
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