Who's Gonna Watch You Die?

Over conversation with my dear sister, I found out today that my nana died. 4 years ago. Alone in a rest home. Suffering of dementia.

My Father (my nana's son) died two years prior to this, and when he died there was further dissension within that side of the family. I was so distraught that I didn't even have the mental capability to handle the fact that the last time I would ever see my nana was at my father's funeral. At that time the oldest half-sister on my father's side (who was also the executrix of his estate) did inform us that after the funeral, she wasn't having anything else to do with my nana, and I just didn't think anyone could ever be that cold. I couldn't even fathom it. I was lost in my own depression and grief from the loss of my father and anger for the callousness of this act, that I never saw her again. I couldn't get past it, I just always thought my nana would still be alive whenever I got to the point of facing the reality that my oldest half-sister threw on all of us during the week of my father's final arrangements. She was 98.

Here's the obit:

"Florence Self 1910 - 2009 was a member of the Self family. Florence was born on May 22, 1910. Florence died on February 13, 2009 at 98 years old.
Florence Self's last known residence is at East Longmeadow, Hampden County, MA 01028."

I cannot imagine being so alone. 

I didn't even think about how amazing it was to see her face light up when she realized it was me at my father's funeral. 

This is so impactful to me, because as a child, she was one of the most consistant parental figures in my life. She made me feel like I was taken care of, and nurtured. She laughed at all my jokes, and made me do my homework before I could watch all the cartoons I could bear. She'd let me play with her hair and over grease it, even if that meant extra washing for her. She would play barbies with me during bath time, and made sure I washed behind my ears & brushed my teeth before bed. She'd show me pictures of us when I was a baby, and would always ask me if I remembered when. We would celebrate our birthdays thinking of one another since her birthday was a day after mine. She was my earliest and longest memory of love. Deep love. And I was too stuck inside myself to even see her one more time before she died, or even when she did. 

All that is left is a box of afghan blankets.

I'm writing this to implore you to not ever let this happen to you. I don't care how fucked up things are, if there is someone you have such a strong loving bond with DON'T let anything get in the way of that, not even yourself. Please share this message if you are so inclined, it is important to hold on to these loving relationships, you will never know how truly impactful they are to you.

I'm so sorry nana, so sorry.